Ok! Joe is here to save the day from boredom.... and his own skin judging by the comments I've been getting. . But anyway..... here we go.
'The British are coming! The British are coming!'
A shadow walks towards the screen, as eerie music starts to play.
holding out its mangled wing, dragging its foot.
We see a woman, tied up on a table and struggling to get free. Babs holds out sewing needles as she and the other chickens, lumber towards the woman, Frankenstein style, emitting freakish clucks.
MRS. TWEEDY: "What do you think you are doing? Untie me this instant! Mr Tweedy!!! Where are you?!"
Fowler groans and limps up with MR. TWEEDY's head displaying a disturbed face, on a spike.
MRS. TWEEDY: "Aaaaahhhhh!!!! Get away from me, you stupid birds! Untie me and get back to your coops!"
The chickens move closer, with their wings reaching towards her ... then a tall Rooster comes forward, standing right in front of her.
ROCKY: "It's time for a new kind of pie..... MRS. TWEE-DY!!!" ~raises his axe~
CHICKEN RUN............... FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!
A Paramount/Purdue production.
Now back to our story.....................
After leaving Hel-Mart and parking at the designated area, the Stars members were standing around waiting for the replacements..... getting a bit impatient. Kenneth has his Discman on, listening to his music.
KENNETH: "Now Listening To: 'This Fire' by Franz Ferdinand."
ROB: "Do we really need to know that?"
MARK: "Where the heck are these guys? It's been a long time."
RYO: "They should be here any minute."
PHYLLIS: "They're late! These guys better be good."
RYO: "Hey... here they are now."
JOE: "Hehheh...check out the car."
A blue Lotus Esprit pulls up on the corner and stops in front of the camera. The license plate says 'HRDCORE,' and a big pair of fuzzy dice hangs from the rear view mirror. The car has all kinds of detailing and pinstripes on it. Fancy lettering displays 'The Love Machine' on each side of the car and a sexy pic of Monica Bellucci adorns the hood. All of a sudden, the song, "Love Machine" by the Miracles, starts blasting from the car....and the doors open.
"I'm just a Looooooove Machine! And I don't want no-body but you! Ooo... yeah!"
2 men get out of the car. Tim gets out of the drivers side and walks in slow motion, towards the group, while Spike tags along at his own pace. Tim's theme song continues to play as he flashes a killer smile, rubbing his hands across his gray shirt, displaying the word 'Octagon' in blue lettering. Phyllis folds her arms and smirks, quite amused by this whole display. As he gets closer to the group, he runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back and his face becomes more intense. He displays a GQ strut until he stops right in front of Phyllis and Sara. He places his right arm behind his back and his left arm across his stomach, as he bows to the girls. As his right hand flashes quickly from his back, to the front again, he is holding 2 flowers and gives one to each of them.
TIM: "It is going to be a pleasure working with you ladies."
The girls chuckle and take the flowers, as Tim smiles again, making his way around the group, greeting the guys. Phyllis smiles and thinks this might not be so bad after all. If Tim is this charming, she wonders what the other guy is like?
As her eyes turn towards Spike, he has his hand down his pants, scratching an unknown area of his nether-region.. He looks at her plainly and lets out a big belch.
SPIKE: "So where's the Guinness?"
Clearly they were NOT from the same part of town.
Thorin was fixing his stuff when the heavy set man they are escorting, comes walking over. Everyone seems to have forgotten all about this guy, as he seemed pretty unimportant at the time. No one really knows who he is.
DR. PHIL: "What's wrong Thorin? I noticed you sitting over here by yourself."
THORIN: "Oh...nothing. I'm fine."
DR. PHIL: "Thorin.... My name is Phil... I'm a doctor. I'm on my way to Chicago to appear on a show. I'm good friends with Oprah Winfrey and will be getting my own show in the future. You can talk to me. Helping those with problems is my specialty. So is speaking in weird tones, insulting people and making men cry. Let's confront the problem here. "
THORIN: "But Dr. Phil.... I'm fine.... really."
DR. PHIL: "Well... let me be the judge of that. We just had an apocalyptic episode here, where virus induced monsters are running all over town and people have turned into blood thirsty Zombies! It can be very traumatic. How do you feel about that?"
THORIN: ~holding up his gun~ "I want to blow the PISS out of the Zombies!"
DR. PHIL: "Really? Ok.... We'll start with that. So.... we brought the problem to the surface. Now, let's talk about your homosexuality and your apparent fascination with urine."
THORIN: "What? No no! Dr. Phil... you misunderstood... when I said 'blow', what I meant was..."
DR. PHIL: "Oh, I KNOW what you meant, Thorin. I saw the writing on the wall right away with you, just as soon as I saw you, in that parking lot. You act the type."
THORIN: "What type?! Dr. Phil.... I'm NOT gay."
DR. PHIL: "Thorin... You may fool the others, but you can't fool me. In order for me to help you... you need to help yourself. The first step to that, is 'Honesty' and 'Admittance.' Just cuz you're an 'Anteater'.... doesn't mean you only suck Ants!"
THORIN: "Right... No wait...What!? You're confusing me."
DR. PHIL: "Life can be very confusing Thorin. Sexuality is a very complex issue. Why don't you come right here. Be a good boy and sit on my lap. We'll dig deep and sort things out for you, ok?"
Back in the group, everybody introduces themselves and becomes acquainted. They are all discussing what they are doing and where they are going next. They inform Tim and Spike that they are headed to the RPD. However, a complication soon arises.
PHYLLIS: "Ha! Look what I found... A doll of the city zoo's mascot, 'Mr. Raccoon.' He's so adorable!"
MARK: "I want a Mr. Raccoon doll!"
SARA: "Hey Joe."
JOE: "Hello Sara. What's up?"
SARA: "Well.... I was wondering if you could explain that little meter on me, that keeps counting upwards?"
JOE: "Hmmmm...I have no idea."
SARA: "Look...you have it too."
JOE: "Huh? Waitaminnit! So does everyone else!"
RYO: "I think it is a virus meter. We must have gotten affected by the virus somehow."
JOE: "That's stupid. I wasn't bitten. How the hell?!"
SPIKE: "Well, ain't that just peachy. We're not here more than an hour in the states, and we've already caught something. What a splendid adventure we were brought into. I told you I didn't want to come here, Tim!"
JOE: "You have no idea, Spike. It's been a pretty sucktacular one. What took you guys so long anyway?"
SPIKE: "Tim was waxing his car."
JOE: "Gah! We're dyin over heah...and he's playing with his car?! We could've been zombies by the time you 2 got here!"
SPIKE: "But I can't be a Zombie. I'm signed on to star in a video game! My fans need me."
JOE: "Don't worry, we found some herbs. Everyone take one and we should be ok."
Herbs are passed around and taken by all....Thorin's, Sara's and Kenneth's wounds are healed, however the virus meter continues to move.
RYO: "It's still moving. If we don't cure it soon, we're all going to turn into zombies."
JOE: "WTF?! This is retarded! It should've stopped."
TIM: "Bollocks. I don't want to be a Zombie. It is going to ruin my good looks."
ROB: "A zombie? Whoa....cool."
JOE: "No...NOT cool, you ignoramus... it means we are going to die. We gotta do somethin about this stupid s***."
RYO: "According to my notes, we have to find something called 'Daylight'... that'll cure the virus."
"Daylight.... This is just getting dumber by the minute." RYO:
"Alright everyone... let's go." TIM:
"Time for Tea!" RYO:
"What? What do you mean 'Time for Tea'?! We need to get this medicine! There's a war goin on out there against a city of monsters, in case you haven't noticed!" TIM:
"Look RYO.... The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, then you are very much mistaken my friend! Spike, pass me some biscuits." SPIKE:
"Why certainly, Timothy." RYO:
"I don't freakin believe this!"
After waiting for the English dudes to finish their tea and biscuits, they get together and gather up the other Stars members. When they go to get Thorin, they find him sitting on Dr. Phil's lap, bawling his eyes out, leaning on Dr. Phil's chest as the doctor taps his back with consoling rubs. THORIN:
"Oh Dr. Phil!" ~whimper~ DR. PHIL:
"There there, Thorin. It's going to be ok." RYO:
"What the hell is goin on here?!" DR. PHIL:
"Just freeing the mind Mr. RYO. You can't sail down the streams of life if you've got emotional beaver dams prohibiting your progress. You have to break through the barriers and let no objects stand in your way. I wonder what we'll find in your
"You stay outta my closet, you weirdo! We're dropping your ass off...there's a rescue team nearby."
Everyone goes to head to the vehicles. As they do, Rob walks by Tim's car and notices how well it shines. He compliments him on keeping it looking nice.
ROB: "Wow...you must take good care of this car, Tim."
"Of course! This car is my pride and joy."
ROB: "I can tell. It really shines! I've never seen anything like it.You must really wax and buff this car."
TIM: "Yeah, you can say that I take great pleasure in cleaning my car. The buffing gives it quite a shine." ~Looks up, drifting off to a flashback segment~
We see Tim in the garage, rubbing a cloth across the hood of the Lotus. Spike peeks in and tells Tim they got a call and will be departing soon.
SPIKE: "Be ready, mate. We got a call from the bosses. Apparently our American chaps got themselves into a bit of a mess, lost a few members. They want us to go in and help the blokes out. So finish up the waxing, we've got to leave soon. Damnit... I wanted to play Bingo tonight."
TIM: "No worries. I'm just about done."
Tim smiles as he watches Spike leave, but the smile quickly vanishes as he looks down.Tim notices his hand is rubbing around Monica's breasts on the car. He slows his pace as he lightly licks his top lip. He looks right, towards the door, then left, to make sure no one was around.... then down again. He smiles at Monica, moving his hand seductively on her.
TIM: "You like that, don't you, Monica?" ~rubbing circles at the edges and moving his hand in the cleavage area~ "You're a dirty girl, aren't you? ~moves his hand along her thighs~ Yeaaaa...she's so bad. She wants it now!"
Tim suddenly pushes his pants down, throws himself on the car and begins to hump the car hood repeatedly, grabbing the sides and moving his hips in a circular motion.
TIM: "Raw and Hardcore! That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I LIKE it!"
Tim continues his grinding and dirty talk, as he sings and buffs the car. The image fades as we return to the present and Tim's smiling face.
TIM: "Ah yes....quite a shine."
They all get in the vehicles and drive off. After a few blocks down and several more over, they pass by the rescue team and drop Dr. Phil off.
DR. PHIL: "Well, thanks for the lift fellas. Because you've been helpful, I left a copy of my book under all your chairs."
"Bye Dr. Phil. I love you!"
After driving a little while... they park the vehicles and have to set out on foot. They walk down a street and suddenly, Right Said Fred's- 'I'm Too Sexy'
song begins playing from an unknown source. A large black Tyrant wearing a black speedo, walks towards the group. ROB:
"Uh oh... look out guys. It's Thanatos! He's going to be tough." THORIN:
"He's so cool...and scary!" JOE:
"What?! That thing?!?! ~LOL~ ...You must be JOKING!!!!" SETH:
"HAHA!!! Look at that stupid thing! This is the big bad Thanatos? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen!" JOE:
"I know! But Seth...what the heck are you doin here? You're not part of this adventure."
"I know Joe...but seriously. There is no way I am going to miss an opportunity to mock something as dumb looking as THAT! I wonder where it's from?" JOE:
"Who knows .... it's f***** horrible!"
Seth walks up and gives the goofy looking Tyrant a hard bitch slap, which stuns the Tyrant and it stumbles back holding its face. SETH:
"Oh, it's definitely from France. Get out of here you piece of crap! Go back to whatever pathetic machine you crawled out from. Later guys. Gotta get back to the hotel." JOE:
"Later Seth. Let's just kill this European freak." SPIKE:
"Hang on...I've got a Rocket Launcher here."
Spike lifts up the launcher and fires a rocket at the Tyrant, hitting in on its side, causing a big explosion. The smoke settles and the Tyrant is gone. SPIKE:
"That takes care of that." JOE:
"A Rocket Launcher? I'm gonna like havin you around, Spike." SPIKE:
"Yeah...I'll help you wipe out these rejects. No problem mate. I've only got one more Rocket though. So, got to make sure we use it for a good cause."
The groups head through the streets, ducking through alleyways, shooting and blasting zombies on their way to the location. RYO is reading the map, leading everyone through, while Joe backs him up. They run and finally make it to the spot, but stop when they see the area loaded with zombies. They try and think of a plan. PHYLLIS:
"I'm not sure we have the ammo for all of them." RYO:
"The office with the Daylight is right on the other side of this area." JOE:
"Well ...we need to get through here and get it then." KENNETH:
"Should we grab some brooms?" TIM:
"Ha Ha! What are you, a Chimney Sweep? You can't use weapons like that." MARK:
"What are we going to do then?" SPIKE:
"I could use the Rocket... hopefully take a bunch of them down." TIM:
"Nah... too spread apart. Leave it to me. I've got a plan. Hand me that skate board." ~takes it from Phyllis~
As the zombies groan and walk around, Tim comes sailing through the air on the skateboard, shooting the first 2 zombies in the head. He zooms down the path, skating up a ramp and kickflipping over another few zombies, shooting them while he is in the air. The zombies groan and fall down as Tim, kicks his foot on the pavement to build up speed. A zombie reaches out to grab him, but he ducks under its grasp and puts a bullet in its face. He continues down the path, skates up a high curved area, grabs the board at the top, turns around in the air and heads back down with greater speed. The Zombies can't handle the 'Master of the Board'.
Tim finally reaches the area, goes in the office, and stands by the machine. He could see the Daylight pills inside, but you were required to put 4 quarters in the machine for each pill you wanted. Tim starts counting on his fingers how many pills he needs then reaches into his pocket for change. Zombies start approaching the office and banging on the window. Tim empties his pockets... rings, condoms, lubricant, Ben Wa Balls, charms that say 'I Love You insert name here'
, until he finally takes out a handful of pounds. TIM:
"Bloody hell! Forgot to stop at the Currency Exchange."
He jams the coins in, figuring the machine will be too stupid to notice anyway, and quickly turns the crank. He lifts the little metal door and catches the pills as they roll out. He puts the pills in his pocket and heads out the back door. He skates back, towards the group, doing the same maneuvers, squeezing off rounds and getting head shots. He balances himself and glides through the area, virtually untouched. He skates to the group and kicks the back of the board down, scraping to a stop and flipping the board in his right hand as he hands over the Daylight pills over to RYO. TIM:
~singing~ "Here I am, baaaaby.... Signed, Sealed and De-livered.... I'm yours." JOE:
"Good work, Tim! Pass 'em around to everyone."
Everybody takes the pills, which nullifies the virus. More Zombies are headed towards them, so everyone races to the vehicles. Tim pulls Sara into the Love Machine, informing her there was no time to lose and takes off.... leaving Phil to hitch a ride in Joe's battle van. Both vehicles make their way down the streets, trying to get to the other side of town,to the RPD.SPIKE:
"Love the van, Joe. You could fit a lot of beer in here." JOE:
"Yeah, especially after a hard day's work of killin. The keg is on the right, in that drum. Help yourself."
"Welcome to the Love Machine, Sara...make yourself comfortable." SARA:
"Thanks Tim. Hmmm, I need to adjust this seat though."
Sara fiddles with the buttons and bubbles start coming into the car, floating in the air. She gets nervous and tries another few switches, but her chair starts vibrating and tips backwards until she's flat on her back. Music starts playing; "Sex, Sex, Do you wanna have sex? You know you wanna have sex." Tim moves closer to her. TIM:
"Are you comfortable, Sara? Does my subliminal, suggestive music put you in the mood for sex? Do I make you horny?" SARA:
"Uh... no Tim... I was actually just trying to fix my chair." TIM:
"Oh...... well...... ok then. Let me know if you change your mind."
The car returns to normal as they drive through town. Suddenly, there is a rumble in the street and Thanatos appears again. He is missing an arm and for no reason, starts waddling side to side, doing a retarded dance! JOE:
"WTF is that?! That does it... I'm getting rid of this Assclown once and for all!"
Joe flicks a few switches and the RL on the roof hones in on the Tyrant. 4 Dum Dum rockets are fired and there is a huge explosion in the road. 2 buildings were damaged, smoke fills the air and the road has a big crater in it. Magically, despite all that firepower and despite the fact that The Tyrant was destroyed, the speedo lays on the pile of rubble, perfectly intact. RYO:
"What the hell is that thing made of?!" MARK:
"I don't know... but they should make boats with that material. They'd never sink!" JOE:
"Damnit... now we gotta find another way around. I'm not goin anywhere near that speedo. Probably what turned him into that thing in the first place." KENNETH:
"Now Listening To: 'This Fire' by Franz Ferdinand." SARA:
"Didn't you already listen to that song?" PHYLLIS:
"He's an ass, Sara... ignore him."
The vehicles turn around and have to zig zag around town. The detour throws off Joe and RYO and in their confusion, they end up making a wrong turn, which leads to more wrong turns. Rob and Thorin start chanting. ROB&THORIN:
"We're F***-*** Lost!!!...... We're F***-*** Lost!!!!" JOE:
"STFU you idiots!!! I can't concentrate." RYO:
"Joe look! Some people are in trouble! We have to help."
Everyone quickly gets out of the vehicles and runs towards the people in distress. Zombies are blasted away, and the small group of people are rescued. Afterwards, the Stars members inform the people what part of town has the rescue squad and to head there. Joe stops 2 men in winter hats, to ask them for directions. JOE:
"Excuse me guys.... seeing as we just saved your lives and all... we were hoping maybe you can tell us how to get to the RPD from here?"
"Oh ... sure....how's it goin, eh?" DOUG MCKENZIE:
"They didn't ask you to say hello, they asked you for directions, you hoser" BOB MCKENZIE:
"Take off, eh! I was just getting to that." DOUG MCKENZIE:
"Well hurry up, you knob! They haven't got all day." BOB:
"Well...see... we were on our way back to Canada, after watching some Hockey and drinking some of your fine American beer.~Snickers sarcastically towards Doug~ Then the Zombie dudes attacked. We thought we were goners for sure." SARA:
"Yay Canada!" DOUG:
"Yeah eh?... those Zombies were like... really mean and had bad breath. It was terrible. They almost knocked over all our beer." SPIKE:
"That's AWFUL! We got here just in the nick of time!" BOB:
"Yeah... it was pretty creepy." DOUG:
"Can I interest any of you gentlemen in this one of a kind, rare 'Mouse in a Bottle'
display?" ~shows a beer bottle with a white mouse walking around in it~ "Beauty, eh?" JOE:
"No! I don't want any mouse bottle. I'm just looking for the road to the police station." DOUG:
"Oh boy... They're cops! Hey... they know what you did and you're gonna get arrested and I'm gonna be a witness." I wasn't drinking, eh? It was all him!" BOB:
"Take off, eh! I didn't do nothing! It was an accident. I had to pee real bad. At least I never had sex with a walrus!"DOUG:
"Oh..low blow, eh? That's not true. That wasn't me! That was just a rumor in college!" JOE:
"Oh don't blame him officers... he's not well in the head. Old Hockey accident. He suffers from Bovilexia." PHYLLIS:
"What the f**k is 'Bovilexia?" DOUG:
"The sudden urge to lean out the window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow." BOB:
"Oh, take off, eh! I only did that like four...... teen
"Do you know the way or not?!?!" DOUG:
"Hey... take it easy there, Professor X. We know the way." BOB:
"Yeah like.... You go down this road... and make a right at the big pile of Pigeon Poop."
"Pigeon Poop?" DOUG:
"Oh yeah. Hey don't laugh... my brother Bob here.... He once got our dead battery going by mixing bird feces and spit. Beauty, eh?" BOB:
"Thanks Doug. Then you go down 4 blocks and make a left by the case of empty beer bottles." DOUG:
"They're like.... not ours. Some bums drank them." BOB:
"Hey, those girls are kinda cute, Doug." ~noticing Phyllis and Sara.~ DOUG:
"No kiddin... the short one was totally checking me out. What a babe!" BOB:
~leans closer to Phyllis~ "If I didn't have puke breath.... I'd kiss you." JOE:
"You know what? We're good... thank you. We gotta go. Everybody ready?" TIM:
"Kinda. But one of the people I rescued keeps following me." MUNKEY56:
"Oooohhhhhh Hardcore." TIM:
"Go away! The rescue team is that way!" MUNKEY56:
"He saved me. My hero." DOUG:
"Ok then. See you around, eh?" BOB:
"Yeah... good luck and everything, eh?"
Everyone waves and gets back into their vehicles and drive off, as Munkey tries to follow, running after the Love Machine. DOUG:
"Wow... what a bunch of hosers!" BOB:
"You said it, eh?" DOUG:
"I'm hungry. I say we get some back bacon and beer." BOB:
"Beauty." THE END -------------------------------------------------------------------
Will Joe and RYO ever figure out where they're going?
Will they finally escape the stupidity?
Will they all make it in time for Leon's party?
Will Bob and Doug make it safely back to Canada?
Well..... who knows? They aren't in the next fic. But the others questions will be answered, in the next sequel of the psychotically entertaining BE series........
BIOHAZARDOUS EVIL 2: 'SIMPLY THE BEST'.
Coming Soon.(which in Joe time could be a long time)
I would like to thank all of you for reading and the comments. You're on a much Cooler level than those that just hang out in the CT, complaining how bored they are, and do nothing. We got some new readers, which is always cool.(NOW go read BE1!
) and people seemed to enjoy this story, even though it was shorter. So for all the times you were bored, depressed, having a crappy day at work or just looking forward to having a laugh, I'm glad I have been able to get your mind off things and keep you entertained. You guys are the best.
I would also like to say, due to the timing, that this fic is dedicated to RYO
. Not just cuz he is super cool and an awesome poster and friend, but because he got married. So Congrats to you again my friend. Hope you had a great Honeymoon. You are at the top of the Cool Club and have remained there since. Stay Cool and much Love, Health & Happiness to you and the wife.