Where Coolness dwells.

BIOHAZARDOUS EVIL: OUTBREAK.... OF STUPIDITY- FILE A we go. This was originally a 1 part Prologue for BE2... but then I kept having more things pop into my head and seeing a few other tidbits to write in.... so this will be 3 shorter updates. As Phyllis said in the past though, my definition of short is normal to other people. tongue If you haven't read the first part yet..... What are you doin here, huh?! 

 Here is BE1, in case you missed it
Now....Let's get started...........



and a few surprises

------------------------FILE A----------------------------

'Pub of Pinheads'

The black van with the white skulls on the sides, slams to the ground after getting some airtime. Joe is driving, bouncing around behind the wheel. The Snoopy air-freshener, hanging from the rear view mirror, is spinning around from the wind. The windows are down and the music is blasting. Phyllis sits in the passenger seat, gripping her chair with both hands and is moaning and grinning disturbingly.

PHYLLIS: "Mmmmmm. Faster....FASTER!!!"

Everybody else is in the back of the vehicle, grabbing the 'Oh S***, Hang on!' handles and holding on for dear life. Joe weaves the van in and out of traffic, as cars beep their horns.

JOE: "Ah, blow it out your ass, ya f***** turtles!!"

While we have a moment, let's catch up on what has happened since we last saw our heroes, after the mansion incident, up to this moment. The higher ups in RC and STARS were so embarrassed over what happened, shocked that some of them actually survived,  that they hid all the evidence about what really happened and gave credit to Chris, Jill, Barry and Rebecca. They couldn't have a team of buffoons upstaging their best members. ILL still hasn't recovered from his insanity and is spending time at the Raccoon City Mental Institution. Unfortunately, when Kaureq brought ILL there, the staff heard the way Kaureq speaks and acts, and thought he was meant to be a patient there as well. They quickly grabbed him, slapped a straight jacket on him and placed him in the cell next to ILL's. That was the worst torture of all. Amber got into trouble and was forced to attend a mandatory Anger Management class .

Seth and Heather joined Chris, Jill, Rebecca and Barry staying at the 'Hotel Limbo', resting until they get called in for service again. Since the Marathon team was pretty much wiped out, more members were brought in as replacements. JoeCool, Phyllis, RYO, Rob and Mark remained on the Psychos. Thorin was brought in, along with Bear, DJ, Bank and Kenneth. A second team was in the process of being formed. Now, Leon S. Kennedy is coming to the RPD for his first day and a party is being thrown in his honor. They have time to kill before that though, so they head somewhere else first.

They're on their way to a bar. Some joint in the bad part of town. Bear picked it out, hearing about a talent show they were having there. Joe races the van through the back streets of RC, turning up the music even louder.


PHYLLIS: "Ooooh Yeaaaaa...... smack baby ...smack it!!!"
The loud music continues to play as Joe jams behind the wheel, swaying his body back and forth, tapping his hands on the wheel, to the beat, jamming his fist down everytime the hard drum bass comes in. He moves around a slow car into the oncoming traffic lane and a tractor trailer sounds its horn. There are various screams of "Look out!" ..." "AAAHHH!" ... "I'm too young to die!" before Joe swerves back to the right lane in front of the slow car.

MARK: "Be careful, Joe."
JOE: "I am careful. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call them, 'Everyone but me.' These idiots cause so much traffic!"
ROB: "Is this the right way?"

JOE: "Don't worry.... I know a shortcut."

The van turns onto a side road, and then heads off the road, going downhill. The road starts getting bumpy and everybody starts talking in vibrating voices. Phyllis is laughing how her chest is moving back and forth.

PHYLLIS: "They're jigglin baby."

JOE: "Go 'head baby."

Joe floors it and the van is zooming at top speed down a steep hill.

PHYLLIS: "Ooooooooo... Uh-huh.... ~bites her lip~ Almost there........" ~grips the dashboard tightly with both hands.~

The van hits an incline and sails through the air. Joe screams excitedly as everyone in the back screams in terror. The van goes flying down to the street below and slams right down into a parking space. The smoke settles after a minute.

JOE: "Ha Ha!! Perfect park! We're here, guys. The ride has reached its climax."

PHYLLIS: "Mmmm... so did I."

Everyone gets out, some falling out of the back of the van. Thorin comes out of the van holding up a pic of a wide-eyed cat with its mouth open in shock.
BEAR: "Come on, I don't want to miss the show."

MARK: "Are we still alive?"

BANK: "Thanks for the car sickness."

RYO: "At least we made it."

KENNETH: "Joe... where the f*** did you get your license from? A cereal box?!"

ROB: "From the Crash Bandicoot school of driving, most likely." 

DJ: ~kissing the ground~ "Solid ground....standing still. It's a miracle!!!"

BUM: ~walking by~ "Huh Huh...I peeded on that spot before."

As DJ starts wiping his lips and spitting, a cop comes walking over.

BOB: "This your van?"

JOE: "That's right....who's askin?"

BOB: "I'm asking. I've been on highway patrol for 25 years and that was the craziest driving I've ever seen! I'm giving you a ticket."

JOE: "But officer...we're STARS...."

BOB: "I don't give a flying Fig Newton who you are. No fancy pants actors are getting away with that kind of stuff in MY town... No sir! Y'all may be big back in NY or Hollywood or wherever you're from, but you're darn tootin ain't getting away with that here!"

JOE: "Whoa....what harsh language you have."

The cop writes in his book and issues Joe the summons

BOB: "Let that be a lesson to you.. You folks drive carefully now, y'hear?"

JOE: ~loud~ "Sure thing officer." ~low~ Yaaaaaaa....dirty....sonova...."

MARK: "Well....let's go have a couple of nice cold beers."

JOE: "J's Bar huh? This place better be good. Bear's one of the new guys and he is the one that picked this place out. That worries me."

PHYLLIS: "I said let's go to 'Jugs & Jockstraps'.... but no one listened to me."

JOE: " have to wear Assless pants just to get in that place. Have you ever seen Rob in assless pants? It is not a pretty sight, I can assure you."

MARK: "~LOL~  Well, it might be a cool show, Joe."

JOE: "Just as long as we don't miss Leon's party...I don't care."


They all walk inside and get a table. The place has a small, but decent crowd. Joe walks towards a few people standing by the bar. One of them is a postal worker and Joe moves close to him, curls his lip up and growls at him. The man leans away from Joe, making a WTF? face, shock grabbing his drink and quickly moving to the other side of the room. Joe and Mark stand near the bar and order some beers. There is a banner that says 'Talent Show' on the wall. There are a few tables with a bunch of weird looking characters- Kevin, Mark, George, David, Jim, Alyssa, Yoko and Cindy who is off work and enjoying some drinks with them. Even though Yoko is the shortest in the group, every time they buy a round, She is sent to the bar to bring back all 8 beers to the table, since no one else is capable. Bob, the old State Trooper, is walking around, not doing anything in particular. There is also a Bald man with a bar code on the back of his head, dressed in black, sitting at a table alone and a girl sitting at a table to the side, filling out an application. There are some lackluster contestants on stage performing.

MARK: "Seems like an ok place, Joe."

JOE: "I dunno...... I got a bad feelin about this."

Joe goes to sip his beer and sit down, but as he does, his body spins around and the beer spills on the floor. He looks around dazed, with his hands on the chair and slowly gets up.

MARK: "Joe! What happened? Are you ok?"

JOE: "I dunno. I went to sit down and...WTF?!"

MARK: "What, Joe?"

JOE: "I ...can't......move.... backwards! Every time I try to back up or sit down, my entire body spins around to the front again." frustrated

MARK: "Yeah! I can't either."

JOE: "What the hell?!" I can't even pick up a towel to dry myself off! How the f*** did my inventory dwindle down to 4 slots?! This place sucks!!" angry

PHYLLIS: "Oh, it's not so bad." thinking

THORIN: "I Love this place!" silly

Kenneth walks over to the table with the girl and starts a conversation. He asks her if anyone is sitting with her and she shakes her head offering him the seat.

KENNETH: "I'm Kenneth. I'm from STARS."

SARA: "Hello Kenneth. How's you? I'm Sara. I'm applying for a job here."

Kenneth and Sara continue with their conversation as the camera moves around the bar. The other members are looking at the drink list and menus.

JOE: "Hey Phyllis....I got some Tequila. Wanna do some 'Body Shots?'

PHYLLIS: "Sure, Joe."

Joe puts the drinks and slices of lemon down and goes to get the salt shaker. Phyllis takes out a knife, slices Joe's chest, licks the blood, downs the drink and bites the lemon.


PHYLLIS: ~with lemon in her mouth~ "A Bowy Sha."

JOE: "That's not a Body Shot, ya f***** Psycho!!"

PHYLLIS: "Tasted good to me."  

Phyllis places the lemon on the bar and Joe winces, placing a bandage on his chest.

THORIN: "Hmmm....I think I'll have some of their famous 'Bean Soup.'

JOE: "You do and you'll be hitchin a ride to the RPD. You're not stinkin up my van!!"

One of the performers just finished and is walking off the stage. Even though the reason why they are here, is for Bear, Rob sees this as a perfect opportunity to showcase his talents.

CINDY: " we have...."

ROB: ~runs on stage~ "Rob the Magnificent!!!!" mischief

CINDY: "That's funny...I don't see your name on my list..."

ROB: "Yeah yeah, late entry.... thanks a lot... off you go. ~pushes Cindy off stage.~

Looney Tunes music starts blasting as Rob does a jig and starts to sing. He's wearing a tux waving his black top hat and black cane with a white tip.

ROB: "Overture!! Cut the Lights....This is it...we'll hit the heights! and oh what heights we'll hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! On with the show this is iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!"
More music plays as Rob starts dancing, lifting his top hat and kicking his legs out, one at a time as he moves from side to side.
ROB: "Oh what heights we'll hiiiiiiiiiiit!!! On....... with... the... show.....this is iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!"

Rob leaps forward on his knees towards the front of the stage for his finale, holding his hat and cane out with a big smile grin This place is completely quiet, except for a cricket off in the distance. Rob looks around nervously worried and starts to adjust his tie. Suddenly a big hooked cane comes out of the darkness, goes around Rob and yanks him off the stage so fast, his hat is still spinning. Some other performers go on and everybody goes back to drinking, enjoying the show. Thorin, Joe, DJ, Bank and Kenneth head to the bathroom. As the enter the bathroom, they notice it is taking a very long time to actually get in the room. Some of the members start complaining.

DJ: "This thing better load soon or i'm gonna pee on the loading screen."

KENNETH: "I can't hold it much longer, Captain!" ~crosses his legs~

BANK: "I'm not gonna make it!" 

As they get in there, the camera is suddenly in front of the party and zooms right up into Joe's face, bashing him in the head. He grits his teeth and curses, shooting the cameraman.

JOE: "What the f*** ?!?! Why is the camera here, instead of a nice static corner, or behind us? This place is aggravating me."

BANK: "I didn't make it." sad ~hiding his wet pants.~

JOE: "UGH! sick Go change that s*** or you're not coming back in the van."

Bank leaves the bathroom and everyone uses a urinal, except Joe, who patiently waits to use a stall.

KENNETH: "Joe...if you aren't taking a dump, why use a stall?"

JOE: "Because I hate urinals. Know why they're called 'Urinals?' Cuz when you piss in them, you get Urine all over yourself! I'll use the bowl as man was intended."

As they are washing up, Joe finally gets to use a stall. Jim comes in all chipper, starting a conversation in his squeaky ass voice.

JIM: "How you fellas doing tonight? I'm Jim. Looking for the ladies!"

THORIN: "We're doing great. Gee, you're a swell guy Jim!"
KENNETH: "Yeah... you'll find lots of ladies here... in the MEN'S ROOM! What an idiot."

JIM: "Looks like I'm suck here for a bit."

DJ: "No.... you pretty much suck everywhere."

JIM: "I meant to say 'stuck'."

KENNETH: "We need more towels in here, Jim."

JIM: "I'm not the bathroom attendant! I'm a subway worker."

DJ: "Whatever... go get us towels, sh** for brains. Here's a dime."

JIM: "I don't need your money! I got my lucky coin! ~shows it conceitedly~ You'll never be as lucky as me. This coin can tell my destiny!"

Jim goes to flip the coin, but Joe bumps into him, coming out of the stall. The coin sails through the air in an awkward angle, landing right in a unflushed toilet. Jim screams, running to retrieve it.

JOE: "Outta the way, ya damn Rodman reject!!!"

JIM: "My coin!!!!"

DJ: "Well, it certainly is accurate. Seeing as your life is worth sh**... only fitting it landed where it did. Do everyone a favor and just end yourself."

As they come out of the bathroom and head back to their tables, Mark comes up to RYO with a disturbed face on, looking like he almost got into a fight.

RYO: "What's goin on, Mark?"

MARK: "I don't know! The people are weird in this place. This is the 3rd time some guy has come up behind me, put his arms around me and hugged me. You would think my new tattoo on my back would scare them off!"

RYO: ~looks at his back~ "I think it's because of your tattoo, why they're hugging you."

MARK: "What? Why would you hug someone that has, 'Embrace the Hate!' on their back?" 

RYO: "You wouldn't.... except yours says, 'Embrace me Mate!'

MARK: "What?! doh! That stupid foreign tattoo artist never gets it right!!" frustrated


Back in the main room, a girl has just finished performing a song. Before Cindy has a chance to come up and read the next contestant's name, Rob comes running back onstage. He smiles and bows and starts doing a tap dance. Some grumbles are heard in the crowd, which makes Rob nervous again. He thinks quickly and takes out a few colored balls from his pocket and starts to juggle them, still continuing with his tap dancing. The groans get louder as Rob smiles nervously, and starts to sweat. He keeps juggling the balls until a big hooked cane comes out and yanks Rob off, sending the balls bouncing off the stage.

Kenneth and Thorin stand off to the side of the gaming area, leaning on a counter, having a few beers. Kevin is now a drunken fool and boasts how he is great at everything! He wants to challenge someone to a game of darts.

KEVIN: "I'm better than Leon Kennedy!! I can't believe they're making that clown a cop! And STARS.... ~scoffs~ I can beat all those losers with my hand tied behind my back! That's probably why they rejected me. Jealous of my talent! Who wants to challenge me to a game of Darts? Huh? Anybody? I'll beat anyone in this place. I'm the Best! They don't call me 'Bullseye' Kevin for nothing."

MARK WILKINS: "Actually, they call you 'Cockeyed' Kevin."

KEVIN: "Shut up!! I'll bet 50 bucks I can beat anyone! What about you?!" ~points at RYO~

RYO: "What about me?"

KEVIN: "Looks like these STARS clowns are hard of hearing too. Darts. Ever heard of Darts?" 

RYO: "Sure, little colored tennis looking things with sharp tips."

KEVIN: "Oh, I can't wait to play this guy! You can go first."

RYO smirks and takes the 3 darts. His first shot lands in the 30 grid. Kevin laughs and looks over his shoulder at the others. RYO's second shot lands on the 50 grid. Now Kevin is getting annoyed. RYO stares down the board and flicks his wrist, sticking the dart right in the 100 circle in the middle. The crowd cheers and Kevin is clearly agitated.

RYO: "Beginner's Luck I guess."

RYO smiles.... walks off and then motions to Kevin that he is up, giving him the floor. Kevin grabs the darts and does his best to aim. His first throw is awkward, but he luckily manages to hit the board in the 10 grid. He scrunches his face with a displeased look. He throws the second dart harder, but it sails high and hits the ceiling fan, sticking into one of the blades and spinning around. Some people laugh which really angers Kevin. He flings the last dart really hard towards the board, but it veers to the left of the dartboard, missing it completely. The dart moves in slow motion, giving us a close up view with Dart Cam, until it finally sticks in Kenneth's right ass cheek.


Kenneth screams and runs around, trying to reach back and grab it, but unable to do so in his panic. He tries to find someone to help him with his problem, running back to Thorin.

KENNETH: "AAHHHH!!!! PullitOut!PullitOutPullitOut!"

Thorin suddenly grins, opens his pants and pulls out his weenie, showing it to Kenneth.


Kenneth continues screaming and running around the bar. The Outbreak crew find it too hard to communicate, to help him, responding in short replies, many of which make no sense. Phyllis comes over and offers to help him.

PHYLLIS: "Hold still Kenneth.....I'll get it." ~yanks it out with a loud, cartoonish 'POP!'~

SARA: "See Kenneth? And you said Women are only good for cooking, cleaning and babies."

PHYLLIS: "What??? HE said that!?!?"

SARA: "Sure.... before.... when we were talking at the table."

KENNETH: "N.. n.. n.. now Phyllis.... le...let's not do anything rash. What I meant was..."

Phyllis makes a pissed off face and jabs the dart back into his ass. Kenneth screams and runs off again, in more pain than he was in before.
A man with a gazoo walks off the stage to applause as Cindy starts to walk towards the stage. All of a sudden she hears her name being paged to the bar. As she stops and walks towards the bar, Rob runs away from the Loudspeaker and takes advantage of his distraction. He runs onto the stage with a bright, shiny, silver outfit. Irish music starts to play, as Rob starts Riverdancing, kicking his feet left and right, while his arms remain stiff at his sides. A big hook comes out and swipes at Rob, but he quickly ducks and it misses him. Rob smiles and kicks his legs faster as the hook comes out again and goes for his legs. Once again...Rob is too swift with his feet and hops over the hook, kicking his legs excitedly at his good fortune. Rob starts dueling the cane with his legs, as the music goes in tune with the fight, making loud symbol clashes each time the cane strikes and misses. Finally Rob kicks the cane and hears a loud "OOFF!!!" offstage, as the cane disappears. Now undisturbed, Rob kicks his legs faster and faster as the music reaches it's crescendo. Rob hops and finishes his dance and puts his hands in the air with a wide smile. Suddenly a trap door in the floor opens up and Rob disappears, to sounds of furniture and glass breaking, making a loud racket in the room below.

It's finally Bear's turn as he takes his guitar, sits in the chair onstage and starts to play. The people seem to like him and start to whistle and cheer. RYO sits near the bar as Bear plays his guitar.  As he turns away from Bear, he notices a pretty girl, standing just off to his right. Alyssa turns towards him and smiles when she realizes that he is staring at her. RYO smiles back and feels pretty good about himself. As she comes and sits next to him to talk, RYO thinks this could be his lucky night.

ALYSSA: ~smiling~ "Hey There." kiss

RYO: ~smiling~ "Hello." wink

ALYSSA: "Go to hell!" beatup

RYO: "What?!" shock

ALYSSA: "No sh**." mischief

RYO: "That doesn't make any sense." plain

ALYSSA: "I'm freezing my tits off!" sick

RYO: "It's 80 degrees in here." raised_brow

ALYSSA: "Just DO it!" silly

RYO: "Huh?" confused

ALYSSA: "Just DO it!" silly

RYO: "Do WHAT?!" frustrated

ALYSSA: "Just DO it!" silly

RYO: "Get away from me you crazy bitch!!" angry

RYO stands, turns and starts walking away from her when he bumps into George.

GEORGE: "I just had a thought." thinking

RYO: "Oh? What's that?" plain

GEORGE: ~grabbing RYO's shoulders with both hands~ "DEAR GOD!!!!" shock

RYO: "What the?!" confused

RYO pushes George away and backs up, this time bumping into Jim, who is now hanging onto his back, grabbing his shirt and leaning into his face, upset over the loss of his coin.

JIM: "My life is........ SH**!!!!!" cry

RYO knocks Jim off, but Alyssa is still following and trying to talk to RYO again.

ALYSSA: "Hey there." batting

RYO: "Stay away from me, you damn FREAKS!!!" sad

ALYSSA: "Quit harassing me!" not_talking

RYO: "I'm trying to get AWAY from you!" frustrated

RYO runs over to Joe, who notices what is going on. Joe stands next to him with an annoyed, puzzled look, wondering what kind of place is this?!

JOE: "What the hell is goin on here?!?!"

JayResno: "Can I help you with something?"

JOE: "What?!? What the f*** are YOU doin here?!"

JayResno: "What do you mean, What am I doing here? I OWN the place!"

JOE: "This is your place?! ~thinks~ J's bar.....JAY's bar.....Jay Resno's bar?!? NOW the reason behind all the stupidity is actually making sense!!"

JayResno: "Say....what color underwear do you think they are wearing?" ~motions towards Sara and Phyllis~

JOE: "What?! How the F*** should I know? Get outta my face with your stupid, idiotic questions!"

All of a sudden the front door bashes open and a weird looking dude walks in, as the place gets silent. Bob walks over to check him out and sees the man is actually a zombie! The monster grabs Bob's arm and takes a bite out of it, as more zombies start walking in. There are some screams and gun shots as Joe and the STARS group start firing at them. Some zombies go down, but more keep coming in. They seem to be getting shot numerous times, but amazingly keep getting up. They fight hard, but Thorin, Bank and Sara get bit. No matter how much they shoot.... More zombies keep entering the bar.....



Hehheh... Joe is back with his beefy updates. grin Get comfy and enjoy. The cure for boredom has arrived. dancing In case some of you don't realize what they are... 'Ballers' are silver .45 Handguns...the trademark weapons of the 'Hitman.' Feel free to comment on as much as you want.... I don't skimp on the updates.. you shouldn't on the comments tongue Hope you guys enjoy this insanity filled update.

Oh, and for those unfamiliar with the Hitman character, familairize yourself with this pic, so that you understand the jokes better. In other words, check out his headwink

----------------FILE B---------------------


'Hel Mart in a Hand Basket'

A pit stop for a talent contest has gone horribly bad. The Stars members have been through a terrible ordeal involving idiotic people. They can only hope to get out of here as soon as possible. Bear meanwhile.... is still playing his guitar, oblivious to anything going on.

JOE: "We have to get outta here..... fast! What's the quickest way out, RYO?"

RYO: ~checking his map~ "hmmmmm... it appears to be the way we came in... but that.... what the heck!?"

Joe and RYO are caught off guard as zombies attack them, while they read the map.

JOE: "What kinda sh** is this?! We can't even stop to read a map in this horrid adventure?! This is so NOT Cool!" ~blam blam~

RYO: "I'm not liking that either. ~blam~ Get ready for more zombies." ~blam~

As Joe stands his ground, he looks over towards some of the occupants for help.

JOE: "Hey.... ya wanna give us a hand over here?"


JOE: "What?! Come and help us fight the zombies!" frustrated

DAVID: "I can't do that."

JOE: "You F***** wusses!!!" angry

YOKO: "What are we gonna do?!?!"

The Outbreak crew starts running around in all directions, up and down the staircase, in and out of rooms, opening and closing doors. Jim is running around with 3 sticks and Cindy runs into a closet. Just then, Mark the Security Guard walks over with a shotgun and stands next to Joe.

MARK WILKINS: "Let's try to remain calm."

JOE: "Now you're talkin! Get ready Mark... the zombies are...."

Mark W. suddenly races off to the bathroom.

JOE: "Uhhhhh..... Marrrrrrrrk? ....where the f*** you goin?"

When he returns, Joe notices he has substituted his shotgun for a scrub brush.

JOE: "What the hell are ya gonna do with that?! Scrub their backs?!"

Mark Wilkins grunts and runs into battle, smacking the zombies with the brush. Soon... sounds of breaking sticks and screams are heard as the guard gets his ass kicked. Everybody runs around, chaotically shooting at the zombies or hitting them with sticks. There really aren't any good weapons lying around. The bald man in black walks over and stands next to Joe and RYO.

JOE: "I don't have much on me. Just a damn handgun and some ammo."

RYO: "They're getting closer." ~fires a few rounds~

LUKE: "Name's Luke.... Looks like I may be of some assistance."

JOE: "Got any firepower?"

Luke takes out 2 silver Ballers and cocks the hammers back.

JOE: "Works for me. Let'em have it."

Luke fires his guns, blowing holes in the zombies, while Joe shoots others on the other side. The rest of Stars, fire at the zombies until they all regroup together.

KENNETH: "Thanks for getting the dart out, Bank."

BANK: "That's ok. I'm glad I went into that back room to change. I found a perfectly good pair of Long Underwear, so now I'm nice and dry and feeling fresh. Someone must have gotten shoe polish on it or something though. There were some brown stains on the back.... but other than that... good as new!"
JOE: "We need to get outta here!!"
Joe and RYO gather everybody together in one spot, to prepare to leave. Suddenly Rob comes walking up the stairs from the basement. He has a picture frame around his neck and his foot is stuck in a drum. He has an annoyed face on and quickly cleans himself up. He grunts angrily and quickly changes into a red devil costume.
ROB: "OK...these people want an act? I'll give them an act!!! Now I'm going to do my super special 'Crazy Cocktail' trick, for my explosive finale! First I will swallow some gun powder... then drink some gasoline, followed by me drinking this Nitro Glycerine! Then top it all swallowing this match!"
THORIN: "Yay! Rob's gonna go boom!"
JOE: "No one's goin boom. You're not doin anymore acts, Rob....we're leavin....Now! Everybody follow me."
RYO: "Sorry Rob. Guess you can say...your act Bombed."   ~chuckles loud~

Joe and RYO lead the rest of the STARS members, and a few others, out towards an exit. A bunch of zombies are blocking the way. In between Joe and the Zombies, Bob is walking around, holding his arm. Joe motions to him and Bob starts to walk towards Joe. Joe then motions for Bob to move to his right a bit. Bob makes a confused face, but listens to him. Joe motions him to move to his right again and Bob follows, not understanding. Finally Joe tell him to inch over a liiiiittle bit more to his right. As Bob does, the zombies waiting there, grab hold of him and knock him to the floor, munching away as he screams. The way is now clear as the zombies pile on the State Trooper, allowing the group access to the exit.

JOE: ~waves~ "Thanks Bob."

They all run towards the back door, but Kenneth notices a small fire has started near the back and points it out to Joe, voicing his concern. Joe takes Bob's ticket book and chucks it in the fire, along with a few bottles of Alcohol.

JOE: "Good thinking Kenneth. Can't take a chance of the fire going out!"

Joe notices Bear, still jamming on his guitar with his eyes closed. He is going all out, encouraged by the earlier crowd reactions, knowing he was going to win the contest. Joe heads towards the exit and tries again.

JOE: "Bear!!! Move your ass!! Bear! Open your eyes and stop playing!"

Bear still didn't hear him, continuing with the playing, jamming the strings with his quick reacting fingers. A large group of zombies moves towards Bear, who can only see them from the corner of his eye. Bear starts to smile as he continues playing.

BEAR: "Aaaaa....Groupies. Now they're all going to want a piece of me." 

He didn't know how right he was. It wasn't long before the guitar playing stopped and was replaced by screams. The group opens the door and walks out......

L........ O........... A........... D............ I........... N........... G.......................

As the adventure starts again, we find the whole group snoring, sleeping in various positions, unable to stay awake during the time it took to load. They all jump up awake, when they realize they're back. They get up and look around outside and see some boards and a Nailgun off to the side. Joe grabs the Nailgun and instructs the guys to start putting boards up over the windows and doors.

SARA: "Oh... that's nice of you, Joe. Putting the wood up so that the zombies can't get in."

JOE: "Zombies can't get in? I'm doin this so those idiots can't get OUT! We can't take a chance of them spreading the Stupidity Virus all over the city."

The wood is covering all the windows. Joe has just set the next to last piece over the doorway. As DJ hands him the last board, Jim peeks his head out through the opening.

JIM: "Can't a brother get a break?"

JOE: "NO!"

Joe bashes Jim in the head with the Nailgun and sets the last board into place.  As they stand there, Thorin looks towards the inside of the bar.
THORIN: "But, What About Bob?" sad
JOE: "What about him? He served his purpose. He became zombie food."

RYO: "Actually you can say he became a 'Shish-ka-Bob.'  Hahaha!"
THORIN: "Let me hit him. Please...just once."

After Thorin is restrained, Joe, Phyllis, RYO, Mark, Kenneth, Thorin, DJ, Bank and Rob finally make it out together. They are joined by the application girl Sara, and the mysterious bald hitman with a bar code on his head, Luke. They are trying to make their way back to Joe's van. They hear huffing and puffing and run into Mark Wilkins, battered and bruised, armed with a broom this time.

PHYLLIS: "I like your taste in clothing, Mark." ~noting his Polo shirt~

JOE: "Looks like you are the only other one to make it outta there. There are a ton of zombies up ahead. There are some barrels of gasoline down this street though. If we can ignite it, we'll be able to burn them and get by. I really think you oughta use the SHOTGUN, Mark... you're not exactly gonna 'sweep 'em off their feet' with a damn broom!!!" frustrated

Everybody helps Joe open the barrels and knock them over, so that the gasoline runs down the street towards the approaching zombies. Everyone knows the plan and gets ready to move as Joe takes out a lighter.

JOE: "OK everyone. Get ready to take cover. 1......2........3!!!!"

MARK WILKINS: "We've got to stick together!"

As Joe throws the lighter towards the gasoline, for no reason whatsoever, Mark W. runs out in the middle of the puddles and zombies. Fire swoops up and consumes everything within. Joe shakes his head....still in shock over what just happened.

JOE: "We really need to get outta this stupid part of town."


Our heroes run through the alleys near J's Bar, trying to get back to Joe's van. As they move along, they find a few items on the ground. There is also a Typewriter on a Garbage can.

PHYLLIS: "We found some's a Skateboard."

KENNETH: "And look, here's an autographed basketball. There's some writing on it." 
RYO: "What's it say?"

KENNETH: "To Jim. Stop stalking me or I'll call the cops."

RYO: "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

THORIN: "That's Bank, ya!"

BANK: "No it's not! I didn't do that."

JOE: "Chuck the ball.... take the skateboard. RYO... I think you should use the typewriter, so we don't have to do all this insanity over again."

RYO: "Good thinking Joe."

RYO presses the 'Save' button and the typewriter types a file.



~silence~ ......................................

JOE: "Uh....RYO? What the hell just happened? Why did you quit?"

RYO: "Huh? I didn't quit!"

JOE: "Then how the hell did we get back to the title screen?"

RYO: "I have no idea, I did the same exact thing I did last time!"

JOE: "Oh MAN, does this place suck!!! What kind of crappy ass Save system is this?! Load us back in, so we can get the f*** out of here."

RYO hits the file, and it starts loading back to the mission.........




until it finally goes back to where they were. When the adventure starts again, all the men have beards and white hair.

RYO: "Ohhhhhhhh.... that load took a longgggggggggggggg time!"

Phyllis puts a big cone to her ear, adjusting her granny glasses.

PHYLLIS: "Eh? Speak up, sonny."

Joe kicks the game engine and things return to normal.

MARK: "So... Which way now?"

RYO: "Uh....this way....I think."

They continue through more alleys until they reach the streets again. A few sirens are heard, but otherwise it's quiet. Everyone flinches as they hear footsteps. They grab their weapons and look towards the noise. A figure approaches, but not a zombie. A man is laughing and waving his hands around, acting like Rip Taylor. When he sees the party, he exclaims a loud "OH!" and moves towards the group. They warily watch him as he reaches into his pouch and pulls something out.


The group is bombarded with confetti, as Nick launches handfuls at the group, covering their heads. They watch confusingly as he continues to chuckle at himself, launching confetti into the air, moving down the street with a happy waddle.

SARA: "My...what a festive fellow he is."

ROB: ~pulling confetti out of his hair~ "I should put my foot,right up his festive ass!"

There is a scream as Nick is grabbed by some zombies at the other end of the street. A zombie bites his arm...but then starts coughing, spitting out confetti. Angry that he doesn't taste good, the zombie rips off his arm and starts hitting him over the head with it. There is a struggle and an explosion, as the air becomes filled with little colored circles and streams of paper.

JOE: "Keep movin...let's get the heck outta here!"

They run around the corner and there is Joe's van, parked where he left it.

ROB: "I never thought I would be so happy to see that death machine."

JOE: "OK everyone....hop in. We gotta move!"


Everyone jumps in the van and Joe starts it up with a roar. The window opens and Joe crumples up the ticket and chucks it into a small fire nearby. The tires screech and the van kicks into high gear, zooming off with a cloud of smoke. As they drive through RC, zombies walk the streets, blocking the way. Joe flicks a switch on the steering wheel and machine guns appear below the headlights. Bullets come spraying out and blast the zombies out of the way. The ones not shot are rammed with the steel grill in front of the van.

PHYLLIS: "Joe, we have to be ready for anything. These sh**** weapons will NOT do!"

JOE: "You're right! We need to get some weapons some place. Or at least ammo for the guns we do have. See if we can find a store or something around here."

KENNETH: "I think I see I sign.... turn down this street."

Joe jerks a hard left and everyone slams into the right side of the van. He steps on the gas and the van launches over 2 parked cars and slams into a spot. DJ opens the door and runs out of the van as fast as he can. Everyone else gets out and looks up before entering the store. The blue colors have been spray painted red, with the WA part of the WAL replaced with HE so that it says: 'HEL-MART,' and the yellow smiley has a bullet hole in his forehead.
They enter the store and it is utter chaos. Tons of people everywhere, screaming and pushing, trying to make their way through the store to get what they need. One man in particular walks past the group and makes his way angrily into the crowd, drop kicking people out of the way.

JERZEYDEVIL3: "Out of my way, Losers!!!!"

Everybody heads to the 'Weapons & Ammo' aisle, getting all the good stuff that they can. Joe makes sure everyone has decent weapons and some ammo for everyone. Everybody scatters for a moment, picking up little tidbits for the trip.

JOE: "Ok... we got enough stuff. Let's bring it to the register and get goin. I still wanna make it to Leon's party, if it's still goin on."

ROB: "How are we going to pay for all this stuff?"

RYO: "I'll just put it on the STARS charge card."

They get in line with all the weapons and wait around. They hear a commotion to their left and see kids flying up in the air as someone comes down the aisle.

JERZEYDEVIL3: "Move it, you little pricks!"

Luke and RYO join everyone, waiting on line, chatting and making conversation.

LUKE: "So RYO... it might help me get better acquainted with the group if you told me a little something about everyone."

RYO: "Oh....ok. Well.... Joe leads the Psycho Squad. Fitting too, because he's nuts. He was way too high strung for Bravo or Alpha teams. Got a thing for Pizza, Mint Toothpicks, Pizza, Pop Tarts, Heavy Firepower.... and Pizza. Apparently there seems to be a humping habit he picked up recently as well, so watch your legs. Just try and stay on his good side."

LUKE: "We'll get along fine."

RYO: "Phyllis ....well..... she IS on the Psycho Team after all. She can be sweet. But don't piss her off. I've seen her take great pleasure from some truly disturbing things. There are times when she really scares me. Proceed with caution."

LUKE: "Uh...ok." ~adjust collar~

RYO: "Mark is our professional box man, he's got a knack for those things. Rob has MLTPD."

LUKE: "Don't you mean MPD?"

RYO: "No...Multiple Looney Tune Personality Disorder.... You never know what char will pop up next. He has a liking for Godzilla as well. DJ is just walking hostility. Don't bother with names, You're just a noob with a number. Kenneth is a pain in the ass....always with his music. I'm not sure about that Sara girl. There seems to be more to her than meets the eye."

LUKE: "Interesting. I sense that as well. One thing though.... I noticed that some of you call Kenneth, 'Gimme' .... I was wondering why that is?"

RYO smirks as he glances behind Luke, who is facing him. Luke gets tapped on the shoulder and he turns around to see Kenneth.

KENNETH: "Gimme a dollar. I forgot my wallet home."

LUKE: "Oh...ok sure." ~reaches into his pocket and gives it to him~
As Kenneth walks away, Luke turns back to RYO, who is grinning at him.

RYO: "And now you know. His wallet is always at home." wink

LUKE: "I see.... what about that Thorin fellow..... and the others?"

RYO: "Thorin is a bit interesting. He was actually a guinea pig in an experimental lab project. He's been successfully cloned multiple times. We don't know how many there are and who is even the real Thorin anymore! It's been hush hush and classified. They want to see how well he performs in action, on STARS. Me... I'm going to lead another team... since I'm so awesome and the most normal of the group. Bear... well... he was a guitar player.... he's dead. Bank... well.... we had an extra seat."

Suddenly a woman screams and runs down an aisle to the group's right. A few seconds later, they see why she was screaming... Thorin is chasing after her, arm extended palm up, smiling with his index finger pointing out.

MARK: "Oh no....Thorin is doing his doctor routine again."

PHYLLIS: "Does that line ever actually work?"

MARK: "No .... but he keeps trying."

JOE: "Would you cut it out, Thorin!!! YOU ARE NOT A PROCTOLOGIST!!!!!!"

The line finally moves and they get to the cashier, moving all the weapons and ammo on forward. He starts scanning all the items. Phyllis suddenly adds on a Cherry Coke 6pack and Joe walks over with 18 Stouffer's Pizzas and 21 boxes of Blueberry Pop Tarts. The cashier doesn't seem too pleased with adding items at the last minute.

LEVITO: "Can you please have all items ready before I start ringing up? I don't have time to waste here with this bs. I still have to clean out the washrooms and I want to get out of this place as soon as I can. Bad enough they made me work tonight instead of being able to enter that talent contest. I know I would've won for sure. I'm a one man band!"

PHYLLIS: "Well.... if it makes you feel any better.... our teammate Bear won.... and he got torn to pieces by zombies."

LEVITO: "Trust me.... that would be more exciting than being in this hellhole. Death would be a sweet release rather than working one more day at Hel-Mart."

Levito continues scanning the items. ~Beep... Beep... BLAM!~ One of the handguns accidentally goes off and hits an employee...a short guy with glasses, right in the head.

MARK: "Oh no!!"

LEVITO: "Eh..don't worry. It's only Troy the Asshole. He was a real Prick! No great loss." ~turns on the PA system~ "Clean up in aisle 5!!" ~Goes back to scanning items~


LUKE: " really is insane out there. I'm glad I joined up with you guys."
PHYLLIS: "It's good to have you in the group, Luke."
JOE: "Yeah... we can always use another bloodthirsty maniac on the team."
PHYLLIS: "I want to get a PayDay bar too..... whoops!" ~drops the candy and it rolls to the side~

LUKE: "I'll get that for you."

Luke leans across the scanner, picking up the candy bar and a sound is heard... ~Beep!~

LUKE: "Here you go."

PHYLLIS: "Thank you Luke." click click click~

LEVITO: "Ok.... that'll be $55,728.53

JOE: "WTF?!" shock

MARK: "That seems a bit pricey." plain

RYO: "I'LL SAY!! Exactly how much IS that damn candy bar, Phyllis?!" angry

PHYLLIS: "What?! A buck! That isn't because of me!" not_talking

RYO: "Lemme see that receipt! Handguns,ammo... What's all this crap on here?! Joe calm down with all the pizzas and pop tarts! I appreciate you buying all of us some food, but that is going overboard."

JOE: "Who said I bought those for everyone?" raised_brow

RYO: "What the hell is this? Dogfancy magazine?!" javascript:fnMarkupFace('confused');

JOE: "Uh... yeah... that's mine. I find that strangely appealing for some reason." javascript:fnMarkupFace('whistling');

RYO: ~shakes head~ "soda... candy... Cheez it's ?"

PHYLLIS: "It's my comfort food RYO. I can't go into battle unhappy now, can I? CAN I?!" angry

RYO: "Oook. Moving right along.Who the hell is buying all the Franz Ferdinand CD's?!" frustrated

KENNETH: "I need those! They are required for my mental well being." dancing

RYO: ~grumbles~ "What's with all these books?"

SARA: "Reading is essential for the mind. Little Women is a must have." nerd

RYO: ~sighs~ "Oh, come... ON!! A Godzilla foam latex head costume?!"

ROB: "I want that! It's important for my self esteem during the mission."

RYO:  "Advanced sign making kit?" rolling_eyes

PHYLLIS: "That's Thorin's."

RYO: "Turtle wax?"

LUKE: "Well....I do have to keep the head looking good you know." angel

RYO: "Ok...who the f*** put a vibrator on here?!" frustrated

BANK: "It's not a vibrator! sad It's called a 'Back-Massager'!"

JOE: "Sure.... Back-side massager is more like it." sick

RYO: "What is this? A Hentai book?"

DJ: "It's for research."

RYO: "A milkshake?"

MARK: "Got a craving."

RYO: "Wait a minute!! What is this bs?! 50 grand for a professional assassin?!? We didn't buy any assassin, pro or otherwise!!!" angry

LEVITO: "Well....says here you did."

RYO: "How can that be?!" confused

JOE: "I'll tell you how that can be. It's because Mr. Chrome Dome here leaned in front of the scanner and it scanned the bar code on his head!!!!"

RYO: "Oh, NICE goin, Luke!!"

LUKE: "Sorry!!! Er...'s not my fault!"

RYO: "Take him off.... we don't want him."

LUKE: "But guys I..."

LEVITO: "Hold still please."

Levito takes Luke by the head and bangs it on the scanner, roughly running it across to deduct the price from the total.

LUKE: "OWWWW!!!!!"

RYO: "That's better. Here ya go." ~hands Levito the card~

Everyone takes their stuff and heads to the van in the parking lot. A balding, heavyset man talks to the group, asking if he can hitch a ride, and they oblige him. Joe and RYO are looking over maps to decide where to go next. The other members of the group are talking amongst themselves, loading ammo and getting ready for what's next.

DJ: "You guys tried replacing me with a noob last time. That worked out well! ~sarcasm~

SARA: "I can't believe there are monsters everywhere!"

BANK: "Don't worry...we'll handle them."

DJ:  "~LOL~ said the Noob wannabe cop."

BANK: "What's THAT supposed to mean?"

DJ: "Please save the playing dumb act. Everybody knows how you became a STARS member."

BANK: "Yes. Through hard work and determination."

DJ: "BS! You got it by sucking off Chief Irons under his desk!"

BANK: "What? I didn't!" liarliar

LUKE: "Is that true?"

DJ: "Of course it's true. Bank here had failed the test 3 times. I heard Irons has this secret room that he hangs out in for such occasions... and that Bank here was chugging away on Irons and his partners like it was Coctoberfest in Raccoon City! Mysteriously ....some time later... Bank is given a position on a Stars team."

BANK: "I got it fair and square!!!"

MARK: "Ugh! That's sick.... so much for my milkshake. sick ~throws it away~

BANK: "Shut up DJ!! I am a good cop. I have my pride."

DJ: "STFU Noob.... you can take that pride and shove it right up your F......."

LUKE: "What just happened?"

MARK: "Oh no.....Joe! DJ disappeared."

JOE: "Ah DAMNIT!!!! Not again! RYO...DJ's been banned again."


JOE: "We're not even at our main adventure yet, and we're already down 2 members. We can't go in short handed. We're gonna have to call for help."

RYO: "I'll call right now."

RYO phones and in and explains the situation. He tells Joe who relays it to the team.

JOE: "'s the situation. Bear and DJ's replacements are being sent in."

PHYLLIS: "Who are they?"

JOE: "2 guys from our STARS branch in England, apparently."

MARK: "We have a STARS branch in England?" confused

THORIN: "I guess we do."

JOE: "Yeah,they are here as part of the Foreign Exchange program. They're on their way down. So we wait til they get here."




Ok! Joe is here to save the day from boredom.... and his own skin judging by the comments I've been getting. worried. But anyway..... here we go.


-------------------FILE C-----------------------------

 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'


A shadow walks towards the screen, as eerie music starts to play.

.......... "bawwwwwwwwwwwk" chicken

holding out its mangled wing, dragging its foot.

........ "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwk" chicken

They....are coming......

........ "baaaaaWWWWWKKKK!" chicken

We see a woman, tied up on a table and struggling to get free. Babs holds out sewing needles as she and the other chickens, lumber towards the woman, Frankenstein style, emitting freakish clucks.

MRS. TWEEDY: "What do you think you are doing? Untie me this instant! Mr Tweedy!!! Where are you?!"

Fowler groans and limps up with MR. TWEEDY's head displaying a disturbed face, on a spike.

MRS. TWEEDY: "Aaaaahhhhh!!!! Get away from me, you stupid birds! Untie me and get back to your coops!"

The chickens move closer, with their wings reaching towards her ... then a tall Rooster comes forward, standing right in front of her.

ROCKY: "It's time for a new kind of pie..... MRS. TWEE-DY!!!" ~raises his axe~

MRS.TWEEDY: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


CHICKEN RUN............... FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

"BAWK!" chicken

A Paramount/Purdue production.

Now back to our story.....................

After leaving Hel-Mart and parking at the designated area, the Stars members were standing around waiting for the replacements..... getting a bit impatient. Kenneth has his Discman on, listening to his music.

KENNETH: "Now Listening To: 'This Fire' by Franz Ferdinand."

ROB: "Do we really need to know that?"

MARK: "Where the heck are these guys? It's been a long time."

RYO: "They should be here any minute."

PHYLLIS: "They're late! These guys better be good." not_talking

RYO: "Hey... here they are now."

JOE: "Hehheh...check out the car."

A blue Lotus Esprit pulls up on the corner and stops in front of the camera. The license plate says 'HRDCORE,' and a big pair of fuzzy dice hangs from the rear view mirror. The car has all kinds of detailing and pinstripes on it. Fancy lettering displays 'The Love Machine' on each side of the car and a sexy pic of Monica Bellucci adorns the hood. All of a sudden, the song, "Love Machine" by the Miracles, starts blasting from the car....and the doors open.

"I'm just a Looooooove Machine! And I don't want no-body but you! Ooo... yeah!"

2 men get out of the car. Tim gets out of the drivers side and walks in slow motion, towards the group, while Spike tags along at his own pace. Tim's theme song continues to play as he flashes a killer smile, rubbing his hands across his gray shirt, displaying the word 'Octagon' in blue lettering. Phyllis folds her arms and smirks, quite amused by this whole display. As he gets closer to the group, he runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back and his face becomes more intense. He displays a GQ strut until he stops right in front of Phyllis and Sara. He places his right arm behind his back and his left arm across his stomach, as he bows to the girls. As his right hand flashes quickly from his back, to the front again, he is holding 2 flowers and gives one to each of them.

TIM: "It is going to be a pleasure working with you ladies."

The girls chuckle and take the flowers, as Tim smiles again, making his way around the group, greeting the guys. Phyllis smiles and thinks this might not be so bad after all. If Tim is this charming, she wonders what the other guy is like?

As her eyes turn towards Spike, he has his hand down his pants, scratching an unknown area of his nether-region.. He looks at her plainly and lets out a big belch.

SPIKE: "So where's the Guinness?"

Clearly they were NOT  from the same part of town.


Thorin was fixing his stuff when the heavy set man they are escorting, comes walking over. Everyone seems to have forgotten all about this guy, as he seemed pretty unimportant at the time. No one really knows who he is.

DR. PHIL: "What's wrong Thorin? I noticed you sitting over here by yourself."

THORIN: "Oh...nothing. I'm fine."

DR. PHIL: "Thorin.... My name is Phil... I'm a doctor. I'm on my way to Chicago to appear on a show. I'm good friends with Oprah Winfrey and will be getting my own show in the future. You can talk to me. Helping those with problems is my specialty. So is speaking in weird tones, insulting people and making men cry. Let's confront the problem here. "

THORIN: "But Dr. Phil.... I'm fine.... really."

DR. PHIL: "Well... let me be the judge of that. We just had an apocalyptic episode here, where virus induced monsters are running all over town and people have turned into blood thirsty Zombies! It can be very traumatic. How do you feel about that?"

THORIN: ~holding up his gun~ "I want to blow the PISS out of the Zombies!" mischief

DR. PHIL: "Really? Ok.... We'll start with that. So.... we brought the problem to the surface. Now, let's talk about your homosexuality and your apparent fascination with urine."

THORIN: "What? No no! Dr. Phil... you misunderstood... when I said 'blow', what I meant was..."

DR. PHIL: "Oh, I KNOW what you meant, Thorin. I saw the writing on the wall right away with you, just as soon as I saw you, in that parking lot. You act the type."

THORIN: "What type?! Dr. Phil.... I'm NOT gay."

DR. PHIL: "Thorin... You may fool the others, but you can't fool me. In order for me to help you... you need to help yourself. The first step to that, is 'Honesty' and 'Admittance.' Just cuz you're an 'Anteater'.... doesn't mean you only suck Ants!"

THORIN: "Right... mischief No wait...What!? You're confusing me." confused

DR. PHIL: "Life can be very confusing Thorin. Sexuality is a very complex issue. Why don't you come right here. Be a good boy and sit on my lap. We'll dig deep and sort things out for you, ok?"


Back in the group, everybody introduces themselves and becomes acquainted. They are all discussing what they are doing and where they are going next. They inform Tim and Spike that they are headed to the RPD. However, a complication soon arises.

PHYLLIS: "Ha! Look what I found... A doll of the city zoo's mascot, 'Mr. Raccoon.' He's so adorable!" happy

MARK: "I want a Mr. Raccoon doll!" sad

SARA: "Hey Joe."

JOE: "Hello Sara. What's up?"

SARA: "Well.... I was wondering if you could explain that little meter on me, that keeps counting upwards?"

JOE: "Hmmmm...I have no idea."

SARA: " have it too."

JOE: "Huh? Waitaminnit! So does everyone else!"

RYO: "I think it is a virus meter. We must have gotten affected by the virus somehow."

JOE: "That's stupid. I wasn't bitten. How the hell?!"

SPIKE: "Well, ain't that just peachy. We're not here more than an hour in the states, and we've already caught something. What a splendid adventure we were brought into. I told you I didn't want to come here, Tim!"

JOE: "You have no idea, Spike. It's been a pretty sucktacular one. What took you guys so long anyway?"
SPIKE: "Tim was waxing his car."
JOE: "Gah! We're dyin over heah...and he's playing with his car?! We could've been zombies by the time you 2 got here!"
SPIKE: "But I can't be a Zombie. I'm signed on to star in a video game! My fans need me."
JOE: "Don't worry, we found some herbs. Everyone take one and we should be ok."

Herbs are passed around and taken by all....Thorin's, Sara's and Kenneth's wounds are healed, however the virus meter continues to move.

RYO: "It's still moving. If we don't cure it soon, we're all going to turn into zombies."

JOE: "WTF?! This is retarded! It should've stopped."

TIM: "Bollocks. I don't want to be a Zombie. It is going to ruin my good looks."

ROB: "A zombie?"

JOE: "No...NOT cool, you ignoramus... it means we are going to die. We gotta do somethin about this stupid s***."

RYO: "According to my notes, we have to find something called 'Daylight'... that'll cure the virus."
JOE: "Daylight.... This is just getting dumber by the minute."

RYO: "Alright everyone... let's go."

TIM: "Time for Tea!"

RYO: "What? What do you mean 'Time for Tea'?! We need to get this medicine! There's a war goin on out there against a city of monsters, in case you haven't noticed!"

TIM: "Look RYO.... The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, then you are very much mistaken my friend! Spike, pass me some biscuits."

SPIKE: "Why certainly, Timothy."

RYO: "I don't freakin believe this!"

After waiting for the English dudes to finish their tea and biscuits, they get together and gather up the other Stars members. When they go to get Thorin, they find him sitting on Dr. Phil's lap, bawling his eyes out, leaning on Dr. Phil's chest as the doctor taps his back with consoling rubs.

THORIN: "Oh Dr. Phil!" ~whimper~ cry

DR. PHIL: "There there, Thorin. It's going to be ok."

RYO: "What the hell is goin on here?!"

DR. PHIL: "Just freeing the mind Mr. RYO. You can't sail down the streams of life if you've got emotional beaver dams prohibiting your progress. You have to break through the barriers and let no objects stand in your way. I wonder what we'll find in your closet?"

RYO: "You stay outta my closet, you weirdo! We're dropping your ass off...there's a rescue team nearby." 

Everyone goes to head to the vehicles. As they do, Rob walks by Tim's car and notices how well it shines. He compliments him on keeping it looking nice.
ROB: " must take good care of this car, Tim."
TIM: "Of course! This car is my pride and joy."  grin
ROB: "I can tell. It really shines! I've never seen anything like it.You must really wax and buff this car."
TIM: "Yeah, you can say that I take great pleasure in cleaning my car. The buffing gives it quite a shine." ~Looks up, drifting off to a flashback segment~
We see Tim in the garage, rubbing a cloth across the hood of the Lotus. Spike peeks in and tells Tim they got a call and will be departing soon.
SPIKE: "Be ready, mate. We got a call from the bosses. Apparently our American chaps got themselves into a bit of a mess, lost a few members. They want us to go in and help the blokes out. So finish up the waxing, we've got to leave soon. Damnit... I wanted to play Bingo tonight."
TIM: "No worries. I'm just about done."
Tim smiles as he watches Spike leave, but the smile quickly vanishes as he looks down.Tim notices his hand is rubbing around Monica's breasts on the car. He slows his pace as he lightly licks his top lip. He looks right, towards the door, then left, to make sure no one was around.... then down again. He smiles at Monica, moving his hand seductively on her.
TIM: "You like that, don't you, Monica?" ~rubbing circles at the edges and moving his hand in the cleavage area~ "You're a dirty girl, aren't you?  ~moves his hand along her thighs~ Yeaaaa...she's so bad. She wants it now!"
Tim suddenly pushes his pants down, throws himself on the car and begins to hump the car hood repeatedly, grabbing the sides and moving his hips in a circular motion.
TIM: "Raw and Hardcore! That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I LIKE it!"
Tim continues his grinding and dirty talk, as he sings and buffs the car. The image fades as we return to the present and Tim's smiling face.
TIM: "Ah yes....quite a shine."
They all get in the vehicles and drive off. After a few blocks down and several more over, they pass by the rescue team and drop Dr. Phil off.

DR. PHIL: "Well, thanks for the lift fellas. Because you've been helpful, I left a copy of my book under all your chairs."
THORIN: "Bye Dr. Phil. I love you!"


After driving a little while... they park the vehicles and have to set out on foot. They walk down a street and suddenly, Right Said Fred's- 'I'm Too Sexy' song begins playing from an unknown source. A large black Tyrant wearing a black speedo, walks towards the group. 


ROB: "Uh oh... look out guys. It's Thanatos! He's going to be tough."

THORIN: "He's so cool...and scary!"

JOE: "What?! That thing?!?! ~LOL~ ...You must be JOKING!!!!"

SETH: "HAHA!!! Look at that stupid thing! This is the big bad Thanatos? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen!" laugh

JOE: "I know! But Seth...what the heck are you doin here? You're not part of this adventure."

SETH: "I know Joe...but seriously. There is no way I am going to miss an opportunity to mock something as dumb looking as THAT! I wonder where it's from?"

JOE: "Who knows .... it's f***** horrible!"

Seth walks up and gives the goofy looking Tyrant a hard bitch slap, which stuns the Tyrant and it stumbles back holding its face.

SETH: "Oh, it's definitely from France. Get out of here you piece of crap! Go back to whatever pathetic machine you crawled out from. Later guys. Gotta get back to the hotel."

JOE: "Later Seth. Let's just kill this European freak." frustrated

SPIKE: "Hang on...I've got a Rocket Launcher here."

Spike lifts up the launcher and fires a rocket at the Tyrant, hitting in on its side, causing a big explosion. The smoke settles and the Tyrant is gone.

SPIKE: "That takes care of that."

JOE: "A Rocket Launcher? I'm gonna like havin you around, Spike."

SPIKE: "Yeah...I'll help you wipe out these rejects. No problem mate. I've only got one more Rocket though. So, got to make sure we use it for a good cause."

The groups head through the streets, ducking through alleyways, shooting and blasting zombies on their way to the location. RYO is reading the map, leading everyone through, while Joe backs him up. They run and finally make it to the spot, but stop when they see the area loaded with zombies. They try and think of a plan.

PHYLLIS: "I'm not sure we have the ammo for all of them."

RYO: "The office with the Daylight is right on the other side of this area."

JOE: "Well ...we need to get through here and get it then."

KENNETH: "Should we grab some brooms?"

TIM: "Ha Ha! What are you, a Chimney Sweep? You can't use weapons like that."

MARK: "What are we going to do then?"

SPIKE: "I could use the Rocket... hopefully take a bunch of them down."

TIM: "Nah... too spread apart. Leave it to me. I've got a plan. Hand me that skate board." ~takes it from Phyllis~

As the zombies groan and walk around, Tim comes sailing through the air on the skateboard, shooting the first 2 zombies in the head. He zooms down the path, skating up a ramp and kickflipping over another few zombies, shooting them while he is in the air. The zombies groan and fall down as Tim, kicks his foot on the pavement to build up speed. A zombie reaches out to grab him, but he ducks under its grasp and puts a bullet in its face. He continues down the path, skates up a high curved area, grabs the board at the top, turns around in the air and heads back down with greater speed. The Zombies can't handle the 'Master of the Board'.

Tim finally reaches the area, goes in the office, and stands by the machine. He could see the Daylight pills inside, but you were required to put 4 quarters in the machine for each pill you wanted. Tim starts counting on his fingers how many pills he needs then reaches into his pocket for change. Zombies start approaching the office and banging on the window. Tim empties his pockets... rings, condoms, lubricant, Ben Wa Balls, charms that say 'I Love You insert name here' , until he finally takes out a handful of pounds.

TIM: "Bloody hell! Forgot to stop at the Currency Exchange." doh!

He jams the coins in, figuring the machine will be too stupid to notice anyway, and quickly turns the crank. He lifts the little metal door and catches the pills as they roll out. He puts the pills in his pocket and heads out the back door. He skates back, towards the group, doing the same maneuvers, squeezing off rounds and getting head shots. He balances himself and glides through the area, virtually untouched. He skates to the group and kicks the back of the board down, scraping to a stop and flipping the board in his right hand as he hands over the Daylight pills over to RYO.

TIM: ~singing~ "Here I am, baaaaby.... Signed, Sealed and De-livered.... I'm yours."

JOE: "Good work, Tim! Pass 'em around to everyone."

Everybody takes the pills, which nullifies the virus. More Zombies are headed towards them, so everyone races to the vehicles. Tim pulls Sara into the Love Machine, informing her there was no time to lose and takes off.... leaving Phil to hitch a ride in Joe's battle van. Both vehicles make their way down the streets, trying to get to the other side of town,to the RPD.

SPIKE: "Love the van, Joe. You could fit a lot of beer in here."

JOE: "Yeah, especially after a hard day's work of killin. The keg is on the right, in that drum. Help yourself."


TIM: "Welcome to the Love Machine, Sara...make yourself comfortable."

SARA: "Thanks Tim. Hmmm, I need to adjust this seat though."

Sara fiddles with the buttons and bubbles start coming into the car, floating in the air. She gets nervous and tries another few switches, but her chair starts vibrating and tips backwards until she's flat on her back. Music starts playing; "Sex, Sex, Do you wanna have sex? You know you wanna have sex." Tim moves closer to her.

TIM: "Are you comfortable, Sara? Does my subliminal, suggestive music put you in the mood for sex? Do I make you horny?"

SARA: "Uh... no Tim... I was actually just trying to fix my chair."

TIM: "Oh...... well...... ok then. Let me know if you change your mind."

The car returns to normal as they drive through town. Suddenly, there is a rumble in the street and Thanatos appears again. He is missing an arm and for no reason, starts waddling side to side, doing a retarded dance!

JOE: "WTF is that?! That does it... I'm getting rid of this Assclown once and for all!" angry

Joe flicks a few switches and the RL on the roof hones in on the Tyrant. 4 Dum Dum rockets are fired and there is a huge explosion in the road. 2 buildings were damaged, smoke fills the air and the road has a big crater in it. Magically, despite all that firepower and despite the fact that The Tyrant was destroyed, the speedo lays on the pile of rubble, perfectly intact.

RYO: "What the hell is that thing made of?!"

MARK: "I don't know... but they should make boats with that material. They'd never sink!"

JOE: "Damnit... now we gotta find another way around. I'm not goin anywhere near that speedo. Probably what turned him into that thing in the first place."

KENNETH: "Now Listening To: 'This Fire' by Franz Ferdinand."

SARA: "Didn't you already listen to that song?" thinking

PHYLLIS: "He's an ass, Sara... ignore him." rolling_eyes

The vehicles turn around and have to zig zag around town. The detour throws off Joe and RYO and in their confusion, they end up making a wrong turn, which leads to more wrong turns. Rob and Thorin start chanting.

ROB&THORIN: "We're F***-*** Lost!!!...... We're F***-*** Lost!!!!"

JOE: "STFU you idiots!!! I can't concentrate."

RYO: "Joe look! Some people are in trouble! We have to help."

Everyone quickly gets out of the vehicles and runs towards the people in distress. Zombies are blasted away, and the small group of people are rescued. Afterwards, the Stars members inform the people what part of town has the rescue squad and to head there. Joe stops 2 men in winter hats, to ask them for directions.

JOE: "Excuse me guys.... seeing as we just saved your lives and all... we were hoping maybe you can tell us how to get to the RPD from here?" 
BOB MCKENZIE: "Oh ...'s it goin, eh?"

DOUG MCKENZIE: "They didn't ask you to say hello, they asked you for directions, you hoser"

BOB MCKENZIE: "Take off, eh! I was just getting to that."

DOUG MCKENZIE: "Well hurry up, you knob! They haven't got all day."

BOB: "Well...see... we were on our way back to Canada, after watching some Hockey and drinking some of your fine American beer.~Snickers sarcastically towards Doug~ Then the Zombie dudes attacked. We thought we were goners for sure."

SARA: "Yay Canada!"

DOUG: "Yeah eh?... those Zombies were like... really mean and had bad breath. It was terrible. They almost knocked over all our beer."

SPIKE: "That's AWFUL! We got here just in the nick of time!"

BOB: "Yeah... it was pretty creepy."

DOUG: "Can I interest any of you gentlemen in this one of a kind, rare 'Mouse in a Bottle' display?" ~shows a beer bottle with a white mouse walking around in it~ "Beauty, eh?"

JOE: "No! I don't want any mouse bottle. I'm just looking for the road to the police station."

DOUG: "Oh boy... They're cops! Hey... they know what you did and you're gonna get arrested and I'm gonna be a witness." I wasn't drinking, eh? It was all him!"

BOB: "Take off, eh! I didn't do nothing! It was an accident. I had to pee real bad. At least I never had sex with a walrus!"

DOUG: "Oh..low blow, eh? That's not true. That wasn't me! That was just a rumor in college!"

JOE: "WTF?!"

DOUG: "Oh don't blame him officers... he's not well in the head. Old Hockey accident. He suffers from Bovilexia."

PHYLLIS: "What the f**k is 'Bovilexia?" confused

DOUG: "The sudden urge to lean out the window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow."

BOB: "Oh, take off, eh! I only did that like four...... teen times."

LUKE: "Do you know the way or not?!?!"

DOUG: "Hey... take it easy there, Professor X.  We know the way."

BOB: "Yeah like.... You go down this road... and make a right at the big pile of Pigeon Poop."

RYO: "Pigeon Poop?"

DOUG: "Oh yeah. Hey don't laugh... my brother Bob here.... He once got our dead battery going by mixing bird feces and spit. Beauty, eh?"

BOB: "Thanks Doug. Then you go down 4 blocks and make a left by the case of empty beer bottles."

DOUG: "They're like.... not ours. Some bums drank them."

BOB: "Hey, those girls are kinda cute, Doug." ~noticing Phyllis and Sara.~

DOUG: "No kiddin... the short one was totally checking me out. What a babe!"

BOB: ~leans closer to Phyllis~ "If I didn't have puke breath.... I'd kiss you."

JOE: "You know what? We're good... thank you. We gotta go. Everybody ready?"

TIM: "Kinda. But one of the people I rescued keeps following me."

MUNKEY56: praying "Oooohhhhhh Hardcore." praying

TIM: "Go away! The rescue team is that way!"

MUNKEY56: "He saved me. My hero." praying praying

DOUG: "Ok then. See you around, eh?"

BOB: "Yeah... good luck and everything, eh?"

Everyone waves and gets back into their vehicles and drive off, as Munkey tries to follow, running after the Love Machine.

DOUG: "Wow... what a bunch of hosers!"

BOB: "You said it, eh?"

DOUG: "I'm hungry. I say we get some back bacon and beer."

BOB: "Beauty."


Will Joe and RYO ever figure out where they're going?

Will they finally escape the stupidity?

Will they all make it in time for Leon's party?

Will Bob and Doug make it safely back to Canada? 

Well..... who knows? They aren't in the next fic. But the others questions will be answered, in the next sequel of the psychotically entertaining BE series........


Coming Soon.(which in Joe time could be a long time) tongue

I would like to thank all of you for reading and the comments. You're on a much Cooler level than those that just hang out in the CT, complaining how bored they are, and do nothing. We got some new readers, which is always cool.(NOW go read BE1! tongue ) and people seemed to enjoy this story, even though it was shorter. So for all the times you were bored, depressed, having a crappy day at work or just looking forward to having a laugh, I'm glad I have been able to get your mind off things and keep you entertained. You guys are the best.

I would also like to say, due to the timing, that this fic is dedicated to RYO. Not just cuz he is super cool and an awesome poster and friend, but because he got married. So Congrats to you again my friend. Hope you had a great Honeymoon. You are at the top of the Cool Club and have remained there since. Stay Cool and much Love, Health & Happiness to you and the wife.

References and Additional Content info

REFERENCES:  LLCool J, Prodigy, RE OU, RE2, Hitman games, WalMart, Dr. Phil show, Looney Tunes, Rip Taylor, Punisher, Grumpy Old Men 2, Lock Stock& 2 Smoking Barrels, Chicken Run, The McKenzie Bros, The Miracles, Right Said Fred, Say It Isn't So.
It'z the NEW Stuff!!!
File A: Joe's 'Everyone but me' line, DJ kisses the pee, Jim's ladies line, Alyssa's Quit Harassing me' line.
File B: New Rob's finale-RYO line, Thorin's 'What about Bob?' line and RYO line again,  Zombie abuses Nick, Joe's Blueberry PopTarts.
File C: Small early line changes, Spike lines- referring to his scene in Rebaked, Tim's new Car Waxing scene, Tim's new pocket items, Luke gets called Prof X.

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