STEVEN: "Oh, that does it...."
JOE: "HELLO?! We're over here! Remember us? The reason you came?"
STEVEN: "Ah yes. Sorry bout that, my good man. Agent Steven... at your service. That dolt of a partner over there is Agent Josh."
JOSH: "What'd you go and do that, for?!"
STEVEN: "Do what?"
JOSH: "Say my name. I wanted to tell him my name! Now I have nothing to say."
STEVEN: "You would've screwed it up, anyway."
JOSH: "Oh, you wanna have at it, then? Let's go." ~rolls up his sleeves~
PHYLLIS: "Boys...BOYS!!! Let's calm down and get to the matter at hand. There is a party going on. There are people...indoors...laughing...and having CAKE! If you 2 don't stop arguing and we're late for this party.... and I get no cake.... well..... I am going to be mad. And then I will kick BOTH your asses, back to Buckingham!!! Do we understand each other?"
PHYLLIS: "DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!!!!?????"
STEVEN&JOSH~simultaneously~: "YESYES! Okherewego,offwego." ~jumpsinthecar~
Everyone gets back in the van, while Spike, Luke and Amber head for Steven's car. Amber makes a face as she looks at the car and how small it is.
AMBER: "I should've stayed in the nuthouse."
STEVEN: "By the way Spike, we brought you a 6 pack of Guinness."
SPIKE: "A 6-pack for me? BRILLIANT!"
Everybody finds a spot in the back of the van. RYO allows Tim to sit in the passenger seat and moves to a chair behind him, reading the directions off to Joe.
AISHOLE: "You should go my way. I know a better way. Listen to me."
RYO: "You don't know s***. STFU N00b!! I give the directions around here. You're lucky you're here at all!"
AISHOLE: "Lucky for you that I am. I'm witty and informative."
RYO: "You're an asshole, is what you are! Joe, can I toss him out at high speed?"
JOE: "Nah, we need someone to distract the zombies."
RYO: "You're lucky Joe's generous, or I'd slice you into sushi. Now shut up and get in the back."
FLIP: "Might I make a suggestion?"
JOE: "Damn N00bs. They can grate your nerves. Anyway, I thought it would be better if you came with us, Tim. Help you relax a bit."
TIM: "This is a really nice van you got here!" ~feeling the dash slowly~
JOE: "Don't get any ideas. I heard about you. This vehicle is Male!"
TIM: "Oh...that's too bad. Does it have any specialties?"
JOE: "Of course! Twin front mounted machine guns, 2 quad rocket launchers up top, bullet proof glass and all sorts of weaponry and high tech computer system. If ya wanna nuke some pizza, you can throw it in the 'Micro'. Got a keg in the drum too. It's got a few surprises as well."
SURPRISE: ~peeks in the van~ "Was that a cue?"
JOE: "What the...NO! This isn't your story, so Amscray!" ~pushes him out~
SURPRISE: "Damn." ~falls away~
TIM: "Do you smoke?"
JOE: "F*** no! No smoking in my van!"
TIM: "No, I don't smoke either. Just wondering what the cigarette lighter is for then?"
JOE: "Oh...that. I dunno. I told them I don't smoke and that I have no need for a lighter. I have no idea why they still put one in for anyway."
Out of curiosity, Joe pushes the lighter and it clicks like a button. A computer blip is heard and suddenly a small screen above the radio displays red sound wave lines.
VAN: "Well, it's about TIME!"
Joe jumps and jerks the wheel unexpectedly, swerving the van and everyone in it, running through a fruit stand and sending garbage everywhere.
VAN: "My, what a great driver you are. How's about you keep it steady...ass. Bad enough you scratched my end!"
JOE: "WTF?! How did you get in the van?"
VAN: "I AM the Van. I was installed into it. You just never switched me on."
JOE: "Well, leave it to those idiots to put the activate switch in the one thing I never use. What did they put you in here for?"
VAN: "I'm a sentient program, designed to assist you any way I can. Lord knows, you need all the help you can get."
THORIN: "Like Kitt!" ~starts humming Knight Rider theme~
VAN: "Don't insult me. Kitt is Crap on Wheels, compared to me. What kind of name is Kitt anyway? I am MadDog. ~proudly displays logo~
I am far superior in every way. I was designed based on my owner's personality."
KENNETH: "Oh, so you're in love with Natalie Portman?"
VAN: "No...she's human....I'm a vehicle....Dumbass."
ROB: "Oh, this is definitely Joe's Van."
JOE: "Do you know the way to the RPD?"
VAN: "Of course...I have a map system built in."
JOE: "Gah! So much time wasted. Well, least we'll get there with no more problems now."
VAN: "You might want to stop first, so you don't hit him."
JOE: "Hit who?"
Joe looks forward to see a man on a scooter heading towards him. Joe turns the wheel a hard right to avoid him, but clips the scooter as the man veers to his right, losing control and crashing into a newspaper machine, sending the man flying, landing in piles of garbage. Once again, our heroes must stop and get out, to see if the man is ok. They walk over as he gets up, pulling garbage off of himself, covered in mayo and poo.
JOE: "Oh, for cryin out loud!"
TIM: "Dude, you ok? DAMN!!!"
ANDREW: "Yes! Andrew is fine! Andrew's scooter unfortunately isn't."
JOE: ~holding his nose~ "We didn't think anyone was left using the roads."
SARA: "Who are you?"
ANDREW: "Why, I'm the Governor!"
SPIKE: "Evenin' Guvnor."
ANDREW: "Welcome to my city."
MARK: "Your city?"
ANDREW: "That's right... Raccoon City."
LUKE: "What's going on? Are things like this everywhere?"
ANDREW: "No, not as far as Andrew has heard. It is more a local problem. Our neighboring towns; Wolverine City, Badger City, Hawkeye City and Buckeye City, seem unaffected as of now."
FLIP: "Wolverine City sucks."
Phyllis laughs and Joe quickly gives Flip a swift kick in the ass, causing him to yell "OW!" and rub his bum.
RYO: "Hopefully this can be dealt with and contained."
MARK: "Why the hell does he keep referring to himself in the 3rd person?"
ANDREW: "That is the way Andrew speaks."
RYO: "Andrew sounds like an idiot."
ANDREW: "Andrew likes being an idiot."
THORIN: "Me too!"
ANDREW: "May I ride with you?"
JOE: "No room."
ANDREW: ~looking in the van~ "Well, there's a spot, if you just remove that beer keg."
SPIKE: "Like hell!"
PHYLLIS: "That's standard equipment."
RYO: "Yeah, It's uh...welded in. Can't be removed."
ANDREW: "Well, I must be going then. See if I can find my way back to the bridge."
SARA: "He certainly is a strange one."
PHYLLIS: "Strange? He's a weirdo."
JOE: "Well, whattya expect? He's wearin a Boston shirt. Of course he's strange."
Andrew goes puttering away on his damaged scooter, that sounds like it's going to conk out any minute. As everyone watches him leave, Kenneth notices something down the street. It looks like a body.
KENNETH: "What have we got here?"
AMBER: "Duh! It's called a dead body."
They walk up to it and see it's a girl with bite marks on her body.
KENNETH: "Man, what a mess! What could have done this?"
Suddenly, groans come from down the block and a group of people head towards our heroes. Everyone gets a bit nervous and starts to back up.
STEVEN: "What ARE these things?"
JOSH: "Alright, that’s far enough! Don’t move! Don't..... move!"
Aishole screams as the zombie on the ground, comes alive and bites his leg.
Kenneth shoots down and kills the zombie, but the mob continues moving forward. Everyone starts shooting, but the zombies aren't stopping. Aishole backs into another 2 zombies, which take bites out of him. He screams as the others shoot at the zombies. They get hit with bullets, but keep coming towards them.
KENNETH: "What’s up with this guy,that was a clean hit!"
AMBER: "Because you suck and can't aim straight!"
TIM: "Oi! We need to get back to the Van!"
JOE: "Mad Dog....we need you!"
VAN: "I'll be right there!"
Suddenly, an explosion goes off in the distance, down the street, as some telephone wires from the poles snapped and ignited gasoline from a leaking car. The pole crashes across the street, shooting sparks, blocking the way to the van, setting off an explosion.
VAN: "F*** THIS!!! I'm outta here!" ~speeds off the other way~
JOE: "NO! Don't go!" ~reaching out towards the van~
Everybody heads back towards an alley, as the zombies follow. They keep firing their handguns at the zombies, but more keep coming. Joe unloads his machinegun at the zombies.
KENNETH: "I'm running out of ammo!" ~ka-pow~
JOE: "Speak for yourself." ~BRAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-TAT!!!!!!!!!~
They come to the door to a cafe and it swings open and 4 figures are there. Joe has his gun pointed right at them, which makes the girl scream, as a zombie closes in.
STEPH: "Don't shoot!"
JOE: "Get down!"
Steph and the 3 guys duck, as Joe shoots 1 bullet into the zombie and it falls back dead. There are numerous grumblings of "BS! One bullet?Gimme a break," how that just happened. Joe reaches out his hand to Steph, to help her up.
JOE: "Are you ok? We can't stay out here. We need to get to the police station, It'll be a lot safer."
LEVITO: "Glad to see you again, Joe. The store went nuts after you guys left. Bunch of monsters running around, hitting, biting and slashing everybody. And that was just when we started the huge discount sale! Then the zombies showed up."
JOE: "Glad you made it out ok. It may be a while before you can go back."
LEVITO: "Oh F*** that! I quit! No more Hel-Mart for me!"
Steph, Dias_Flac, Darklord Zero and Levito are standing a few feet away from each other now. DLZ is holding his arm, which is bleeding pretty bad from a big bite.
DIAS_FLAC: "I don't know why I am even here with them? I serve no purpose being in this story. I'm just a guy in the restaurant, who is sore and tired. This isn't right."
DARKLORD ZERO: "I need to go to the hospital. The waiter in there... That guy's a maniac! Why’d he bite me?"
LEVITO: "Maybe he didn't like your cheap s*** tip."
DARKLORD ZERO: "In any case, I have priority over the others. I need to be helped first! I'm so weak, I can hardly stand."
JOE: "Ok, fine.... Lemme help you to the car..."
STEPH: "Joe, thank you for saving me,you are my Hero. I've got Beer and Cookies to celebrate with you."
Steph smiles, holding B&C in each hand, while showing off some cleavage. Joe immediately ignores the injured man, making a sharp left turn, heading straight for Steph. DLZ goes to reach for Joe's hand, but falls as he moves it away, falling to the floor in pain. Levito laughs and stands directly over DLZ, mocking him, pointing in his face.
LEVITO: "HaHa! You just got Owned!"
Levito has instantaneously made a picture in the few seconds that passed. He holds up a picture of DLZ falling face first onto the concrete and the words: 'JOEWNED BITCH!!!!' above him. The N00b Owning song plays in the background, along with Sean Connery in the corner of the pic, pointing towards Joe saying, "You're the man now, dog!"
RYO: "We need to get out of here."
Dias_Flac stretches tiredly, with his mouth wide, making a loud groan. Phyllis spins around and empties the clip, filling Dias with bullets, as he falls to the ground dead.
PHYLLIS: "Gotcha, zombie!"
ROB: "Sufferin Succotash!"
TIM: "Uh... Phyllis? I think he was just yawning."
PHYLLIS: "Oh.... Oops?"
They all get up and head around the building, coming out the other side. Some zombies stop to chomp on Dias, but more zombies are coming, moving towards them with their hands out. Levito and Steph jump in Steven's car and take off, with DLZ hanging onto the roof.
STEVEN: "Hey! That is an Unofficial police issue! You can't take that!"
JOSH: "I believe they just did."
STEVEN: "Oh, shut up!"
SARA: "Great. Now what do we do?"
MARK: "Run Bitch, RUN!!!"
The groups go running off down the street, not entirely sure where they are going, but making sure they distance themselves from the pack. Eventually, they make a right and slow their pace, walking slow, to catch their breaths. They notice a man standing on the next corner, but he does not appear to be a zombie.
SPIKE: "Good thing I got my new Trainers on me."
JOE: "Where to now?"
RYO: "Let's ask that guy, maybe he knows."
The groups approach the man and notice he is wearing a suit of plastic armor. They greet him and he lifts the visor and addresses the group, speaking in a unemotional, dull monotone.
MOONSTRUCKNIGHT: "I'm the all-knowing Knight of the Moon. What is it you seek?"
THORIN: "HaHa! I can see Moon's moon."
Moon turns around and quickly fixes his rear plate.
MOONSTRUCKNIGHT: "I've been meaning to fix that."
SPIKE: "I gotta tinkle. I'll be right back."
MOONSTRUCKNIGHT: "Alley is right over there. The back of it has seen more urine than a NY Subway Station. Feel free to contribute more."
RYO: "No,that's not what we came for. We need to get to the RPD. Know the way?"
MOONSTRUCKNIGHT: "The Police Department of the City of the stripped tailed rodent, is just over yonder. ~points~ That way! About 10 blocks down, 2 blocks over."
RYO: "Thanks for your help. Let's go guys."
The group heads down the block, when all of a sudden, zombies come running in at crimson speed, in one huge pack. They are growling and ready to kill them. Things look very bleak at the moment.
TIM: "What are we going to do? We're surrounded!"
RYO: "Damnit! It's all because of those high charges and fees from the credit card. I told you we bought too much s***!"
The zombies are right in front of the Stars members now and they reach out to slash.
PHYLLIS: "Relax guys... I've got a Capcom One card."
She holds it up and the zombies stop in their tracks, groaning in frustration, as they turn away, leaving them alone. The disappointed zombies walk away, slowly shuffling down the street. One notices Moon, and walks over to him, with the others soon following his lead.
FRESHLY MADE ZOMBIE: "What's in YOUR wallet?"
Moon stands there, looking back and forth at all the zombies. He nervously rummages through his wallet, as the zombies wait impatiently, standing close by. He takes out a card and holds it up, hoping it will satisfy them.
MOONSTRUCKNIGHT: "Uh.... A membership card to Marty's Magic Mountain?"
High pitched screaming echoes in the street, as the zombies break the plastic armor and begin to dig in, tearing open his chest and ripping off his arms and legs. Spike comes walking out from the alley, pulling up his zipper, wondering what's going on.
SPIKE: "That feels much better. Where's the Knight?"
JOE: "He got turned into a Moon Pie. Let's get outta here!"
KENDO: "I sure am.... that's me." ~smiles proudly.~
MARK: "Yea... I thought so.... NO THANKS!"
KENDO: "Huh? How come?"
MARK: "I like to fire bullets that actually KILL what I'm shooting at."
As everyone leaves through the back, they hear the front window smashing in and Kendo screaming as zombie groans drown him out. Having given up his shotgun, he now had no weapon to defend himself with. Everyone looks at each other, shakes their heads slowly and then continue down the back alley. After that, they come across some zombies in a basketball court, to their right, banging on the closed entrance gate. The group continues straight, but there is a Kendo van blocking the way. The gate breaks open and the zombies walk down the alley towards them, boxing them in.
THORIN: "It's a TRAP!!!!"
PHYLLIS: "Calm down Thorin. We can handle them."
ROB: "Why can't we just climb over the van? The RPD is right there."
PHYLLIS: "No. The van prohibits us from going further. We must fight our way back!"
ROB: "Damn that Bob Kendo!"
The zombies are pretty easily taken care of...except one does a basketball player sized leap at Aishole and takes a few chunks out of his leg, before it's killed. The group then heads into the court, towards the exit on the other side.
THORIN: "Look at this. 'Above E Rim'? 'Blood on Dance'? What is that? These guys suck at graffiti."
Steven picks up the basketball and tries a hook shot.... but it bounces off the rim and hits Josh in the head.
JOSH: "Ow! You stupid fool!"
STEVEN: "It was an accident!"
Josh grabs the basketball and throws it at Steven, completely missing him. Instead, the ball hits the wall and ricochets into Aishole's arm, spraying blood into the air, causing a scream of agony.
Everyone quickly quiets up meekly, startled by the voice, as Aishole whimpers in pain.
PHYLLIS: "Let's keep moving."
They head into the next area, which leads them by a dumpster. They need to climb over the dumpster to jump down into the next area, where a few zombies are walking around. The group dodges, shoots, kills and makes it to the end, congratulating themselves on making it without a scratch.... that is... except Aishole, whose face is covered in vomit and blood. Josh looks up at the billboard.
JOSH: "You know, I wouldn't mind one of them 'GLEAM' watches. They look nice."
STEVEN: "That figures."
JOSH: "Now, what do you mean by that?"
STEVEN: ~making limp arm movements~ "Oh, look at me GLEAM! I'm a GLEAMER!"
JOSH: "You take that back, Steven!"
STEVEN: "Take that back... or to the back?"
PHYLLIS: "Enough. Both of you keep moving."
As they enter the next area, everybody walks in slowly, as Aishole holds his arm across his torso. A group of zombies are chomping on some poor bastard in the street. There are dead customers sitting at outside tables at a restaurant. As soon as the group passes the Mini Cooper, the zombies take notice, stop eating for some reason and stand to attack the group.
Bullets are fired, zombies are killed and the group remains unscathed. Except.... of course... Aishole.... who is now bleeding immensely. After making it through a bus, past some burning fire engines, and killing zombies, Aishole is limping horribly.
PHYLLIS: "Here we are, guys! The Police Station!"
THORIN: "Come on Ais, you're almost there."
Aishole smiles and limps towards the gate. Maybe there he can get some health. Out of nowhere, a black crow flies by, caws and pecks Ais on the head once,causing him to fall down and die. The crow flies off and everyone goes into the gate.
ROB: "What an Aishole. Who gets killed by a crow?"
THORIN: "Tough break, man.... so close."
As they enter the courtyard to the RPD, they see a few zombies. Since they were getting low on ammo, they decide to head left, to run through the downstairs alley. As they do, there is a Zombie with a yellow jacket on, coming towards them quickly.
PHYLLIS: "Oh crap! It's Matt! What the hell happened to him?!"
MARK: ~shooting~ "I don't know...but he's taking a lot of damn bullets to go down!"
After he finally dies, Mark informs the others, that Matt was a teammate. They look at his zombified body and search him, finding a key... and multiple coffee house coupons.
ROB: "What the heck is he doing with this key anyway?"
LUKE: "Whatever it's for, it may be useful. Let's hold onto it. Here Phyllis."
PHYLLIS: "Hmmm, maybe it's for the locker where he keeps his X-Files collection!"
Running up the other side, and into the big doors, half our heroes are finally in.... the RPD.
COMING ATTRACTIONS......... ~Spooky Trip Hop music plays~
Hip Hop Horror........ is coming to a neighborhood near you.
VIBE,Source and Pound Magazines present: "Projects Evil: Beborn" - Ghettohazard
STARRING: THE NOTORIOUS WESKER.~slicks back his hair and fixes his dark shades~
OL DIRTY BARRY WHITE BURTON.~blows a kiss to the camera and points~
CHRIS 'C-DIDDY' REDFIELD.~makes a weird twitchy face to the camera~
FOXY JILLEQUA VALENTINE~has a big heart on her shirt, cocks her gun~
JOSEPH 'J-LOVE' FROSTY ICED TEA BAG ~nods his head to some music~
RADICAL RICK AIKEN ~shakes his head with numerous wounds and bandages~
BRAD 'ONETY CENT' VICKERS ~looks around all scared and runs off camera~
ENRICO SUAVE ~plays with his moustache, raising his eyebrows~
and LIL Ms. REBECCA 'SHANTE' CHAMBERS ~smiles and fixes her handband, which causes her boob to pop out. She quickly covers it with one hand, as the cameraman zooms in, and she smacks the camera guy with the other.
A tale of terror...... Mysterious murders....
We see our heroes, running through the forest. J-Love found a hair pic...with a hand attached to it. He screams and then gets torn to pieces by the dog pound.
C-DIDDY: "Jill, we gots ta move, fo' the dogs be all up on our ass,ya dig?"
JILLEQUA: ~blowing on her extremely long fake nails~ "But my nails are still wet."
~Helicopter flyin overhead....~
C-DIDDY: "Yo Brad..where you goin, Foo!?"
C-DIDDY: "Jill... head for dat crib!"
They enter the Mansion and look around.
C-DIDDY: "Yo Barry...where you at?"
WESKER: "Well, I'm sorry dog....That fat ass is probably...."
Jill moves towards the door as Wesker goes to stop her.
WESKER: "Jill! Stop it! Don't open that door, you crazy ass bitch!!! You tryin ta get us killed?! You do that again and Ima bust a cap in yo ass!!!"
Later on, we see Chris enter a room and get maced in the face!
C-DIDDY: "Yo, Wot da F***?!"
LIL REBECCA: "Das right Zombie!!! Try ta sneak up on me and I Tyson yo ass!!!"
C-DIDDY: "BITCH! It's me...C-Diddy! Put dat s*** away!"
LIL REBECCA: "I'm sorry,baby. I thought you wuz one a them skanky ass zombies. You aight?"
C-DIDDY: "Dis s*** hurts like a mutha!"
LIL REBECCA: "Lay down in da bed, baby. I fix you up."
In the next scene, the bed is squeaking as LiL Ms. Chambers is riding Chris, doing the jiggle effect, as he smacks her ass. Suddenly Bill Cosby's face comes on the screen, in the corner.
C-DIDDY: "Wot da F***?!"
COS: "I would like to talk to youuuu. Ya see..... You really shouldn't be doin this sort of thing, with the young lady. All the humpinnnnn and the bumpinnnnn, Ah Ah Ah...
Especially without a condom. Ya see, this is what happens, when you kids listen to the rap music."
LIL REBECCA: "I can do whatevah the hell I want! You need to get yo ass outta heah!" ~snaps~
C-DIDDY: "What the hell are you doin here?! Why ya tryin to be all up in my bi-ness?"
COS: "Now Theoooooo. There's noooooo need for hostility. Why don't you kids come listen to the Jazz and have some Jell-O pudding pops?" ~takes out a box of pops,puts Jazz music on and starts doing the Cosby dance~
C-DIDDY: "My name ain't Theo! Man, GET the F*** outta here!!!! Take ya damn stupid pops too."
Chris grabs the Cos by the back, as he makes weird faces and pushes him out the door.
In the next scene, we see Jillequa, finding a broken saxophone and then teammate, Kenny G, dead. A zombie sees her and starts chasing her. She runs into the next room, for help.
JILLEQUA: "Barryyyyyyy! A Monsta!"
The zombie has his hands out, each finger has a chunky gold ring on it, spelling out a name.
BARRY: "Jill, look out! Dis Mofo iz crazy!"
The zombie goes right up to Barry and nearly gets him. Barry shoots 3 times and the zombie goes to sleep.
JILLEQUA: "Are you aight, Barry?"
BARRY: "Yea. Don't worry Jill....I've got THIS!" ~grabs the bulge between his legs~ "Wanna see it? We can make sweet loooove."
JILLEQUA: "Uh...maybe some otha time, Barry." ~quickly runs back to the main hall~
We see Chris walking into a room and finding a white can. A prompt comes up asking: 'You found Geri-Curl. Pick up Geri-Curl?' As Chris nods and picks it up, Yawn,the big ass snake,comes bursting into the room. Chris takes out his weapon, ready to square off. Rick comes flying into the room to save him and gets quickly gobbled down. Suddenly Samuel L. Jackson steps in and flicks out a handgun.
SAMMY J: "Get the f*** goin, Chris. I'll handle this MOTHAF**** Snake!"
C-DIDDY: "Word up, my man." ~talking to the screen~ "We gots ta contact Brad and get the F*** out."
The scene switches to Jill, as she leans down to Rick, who is injured.
JILLEQUA: "What chu be doin?"
JILLEQUA: "Hang loose, brotha. I'm a get you some stuff for da poison."
As he lays there, watching Jill leave, he smiles, displaying his gold teeth and nods his head.
RICK: "I'd tap dat ass."
Later on, we see Jill in the Aquafina Ring. Rick comes bounding in, full of bandages.
RICK: "Yo, I finally got free of dat snake. Now I can escape with you, Jill."
Suddenly all the Neptunes converge on Rick and he makes a face of futility.
RICK: "Aw man, this is some bullsh.."
Rick screams as he gets quickly gobbled down. Samuel L. Jackson comes walking in again, picking up Rick's shotgun.
SAMMY J: "Go on, Jill. I'll distract these fish faced bitches! Get yo ass up in that control room and send these MOTHAF***** sharks down the MOTHAF**** drain!!!"
Jill moves towards the control room, as Jackson shoots his gun at the Neptunes. Music gets tense as they quickly swim towards him.
SAMMY J: "Come on MOTHAF*****!!! This ain't the Deep Blue Sea, bitch!" ~Ka-Blam~
See them fight the deformed monstrosity, Lisa Lisa and the fearsome Tupac Tyrant!!
~scenes show the characters running around, shooting at a large humanoid with a do rag, large claws and wearing a Raiders jersey. ~
An explosion is seen and the red logo for the movie appears in the middle of it.
Coming soon to BET!
Now back to our adventure....
As the STARS team enters the RPD, they hear some eerie music and are frozen in place, as the camera focuses in on the room.
STEVEN: "Well.... that was weird."
JOSH: "You said it."
STEVEN: "I know I just said it."
JOSH: "I KNOW you know that you said it... I just said you said it."
STEVEN: "You said it, like everyone doesn't know who said it."
JOSH: "I said it because I agree with what you said, and how you said it."
STEVEN: "Well then, what's the point in saying it?"
THORIN: "Yikes! Phyllis scary!"
PHYLLIS: "I should've stayed with the other team."
LUKE: "Speaking of which... where are they?"
JOSH: "They're not here."
STEVEN: "Well of COURSE they're not here! Everyone can see that, you twit."
JOSH: "Who you callin twit, you tosser!"
Steven and Josh start wrestling with each other on the floor while everyone walks around them, noticing the doors in the room.
ROB: "Let's take a look around and check those doors. Hmmm, it seems like they are electronically locked."
PHYLLIS: "And just how do you know that without us checking them first?"
ROB: "Uh.... I..." ~takes out his script and scans it~
THORIN: "You have 2 lines mashed together! You skipped over our whole searching the room. I had a door checking scene that goes to waste now. You're cutting down my screen time! Thanks Rob."
ROB: "Well, it was an honest mistake." ~tucks away the script~
Now realizing there was only one door they could open, they open, load in, and see a bloody mess of a room. A groan alerts them to an injured cop, lying to their left.
ROB: "Oh man!"
LUKE: "Hang in there! Are you the only officer left in the building?"
MARVIN: "Who...who are you?"
MARK: "We're from the Psycho Squad."
MARVIN: "Oh... it's you guys. I mean ... glad to see you."
LUKE: "This place looks like a war zone. What happened? How did you get so injured?"
MARVIN: "I....I don't know. I managed to make it in here.... but didn't have any major injuries. I was unconscious for a while, ....and woke up like this, bloody and battered."
PHYLLIS: "Marvin, you need to talk to us. We need some VERY important information. What happened to the party..... and where's the cake?"
MARVIN: "Sorry, but it looks like... your party .... has been canceled."
PHYLLIS: "Canceled? What do you mean Canceled? We didn't go through all that nonsense getting here for nothing!"
Josh and Steven come rushing in, hair a mess and clothes all ruffled.
JOSH: "What'd we miss? Is the party over already?"
STEVEN: "Whoa, what happened to this guy?"
LUKE: "Why don't you just tell us what happened here, Marvin?"
MARVIN: "Well... about two months ago...there was this in..ci...dent... involving zombie-like creatures ... in a mansion located in the outskirts of this... city." ~Everyone starts checking their watches, moving their hands in a circle for him to speed it up~ "Chris ..... and the other STARS members... discovered that.... Umbrella ...was behind everything." ~Loud sighs as they impatiently wait for him to finish~ "They risked their lives to reveal the truth..... But no one... believed them... Not long after that... all THIS started to happen. Uhhhhhh!"
Marvin doubles over in pain and Phyllis grabs him and sits him back up.
PHYLLIS: "The CAKE, man!! What about the cake?!! Tell me where it is, damn you!!!" ~shakes Marvin violently~
MARVIN: "Uhhhh! UHHHHH!!!!"
MARK: "Er, Phyllis.... I think you're killing him."
PHYLLIS: "He just wants to keep it for himself! The selfish bastard!"
Mark finally removes Phyllis from Marvin's shirt until she finally composes herself.
ROB: "Hang in there, Marvin."
MARVIN: "Don’t worry about me... just rescue the survivors in the other rooms. Here, take this key card you should be able to unlock the doors in the hall with this. Now go!"
MARK: "Ok guys, let's go."
Everyone starts to walk away, when a delirious Marvin points his gun at them.
MARVIN: "Just go!"
STEVEN: "Uh, we're going. Can't you see that?"
JOSH: "Maybe he needs glasses. Did you lose your glasses?"
ROB: "Fine, but we're coming back for you, just hold on! You're gonna be ok."
THORIN: "No he's not. Black dude in a horror story? He's as good as dead!"
Rob smacks Thorin in the head to get him to be quiet, as poor Marvin passes out.
Ok, sorry for the long delay. Here we go. UPDATE TIME!
Read on loyal readers....and see what fate lies ahead for one of the crew members. You read it in the character list, now we'll find out.
'The MARK of a madman.'
After Joe's team left, to check the East side of the building, the other team,comprised of Josh, Steven, Kenneth, Flip and Sara and Amber, went West, through the open double doors. It opened into a room with a couch,with papers on them, a magazine rack, a statue, a divider, a chest and a small desk. After looking around, they read a file, a cop had written, mentioning the events that happened before they got there. A safe combination is mentioned as well. Amber takes that as Flip fiddles with the locked desk.
FLIP: "Unhh! It won't open."
SARA: "That's because it's locked, genius."
JOSH: "Maybe there's a key for it."
STEVEN: "Well, of course there's a key for it, you dolt. Why would they lock something in a desk with no key?"
JOSH: "I'm just stating...."
STEVEN: "Stating the obvious...yeah."
JOSH: "Yeah.....obvious that you're a moron!"
Steven slaps Josh's arm, as Josh messes up Steven's hair, grabbing his head, before they are both separated. Kenneth yells at them to behave and tries to act in a commanding manner.
KENNETH: "Quit it, you two. We need to investigate the building. Find any supplies or survivors. Now let's start acting like a civilized team! We don't have anything to open the desk so, leave it alone."
AMBER: "We'll have to come back for it later."
KENNETH: "Doesn't matter. Let's move. I don't want the other team finding all the good stuff before us."
AMBER: "You know how much Joe loves ammo."
KENNETH: "I know... we better hurry before that idiot leaves us with nothing but our dicks in our hands."
KENNETH: "Oh, except you Sara. I know you don't have one."
AMBER: "Uh,excuse me, neither do I."
KENNETH: "Oh please,Amber, you have the biggest one of the group."
FLIP: "I'll put mine in Sara's hand if she needs one."
SARA: "Why thank you, Flip. Sure, I could use it...it's the perfect size to pick that lock."
Everybody laughs as they head around the divider, towards the door, to exit the room. Amber turns quickly towards the window, as she notices something that crawled over it.
STEVEN: "Oh, she got you good, chap."
FLIP: "It's not that funny."
JOSH: "Sure it is! See, it was funny, because she meant that you have a small penis."
FLIP: "I KNOW what she meant, dips***."
AMBER: "What the f*** is that?!"
JOSH: "You don't know what a penis is, Amber?"
STEVEN: "She knows you, doesn't she?"
A brief tussle starts before they need to be separated again.
AMBER: "Shut up! There was something there, just now."
AMBER: "Right outside the window."
Everybody looks, but doesn't see anything.
KENNETH: "Ok Amber. Nice imagination you have there."
AMBER: "It wasn't my imagination! I'm telling you I saw something."
KENNETH: "Yea yea, I know. You're seeing things. Move along Amber."
AMBER: "But I...."
KENNETH: "Move along...move along." ~pushes Amber with his hands on her back~
After Kenneth pushes Amber out the door and into the loading screen, the group ends up in a hallway. It's eerily quiet. The camera is viewing the group at an odd angle, from outside the window.
AMBER: "What the...LOOK! The camera is outside! What kind of freaky s*** is that?! Something bad is going to happen, when it shows an angle like that. I know these things."
Kenneth turns to look, but now the camera has switched to a more normal angle, unable to go back to the previous view.
KENNETH: "Imaginary floating cameras now....this is getting better and better. Maybe you needed more time in the Institution."
AMBER: "F*** you, I'm telling you it was out there!"
JOSH: "Sounds like you're a bit out there."
FLIP: "I'm sure everything is fine."
SARA: "I don't know....I got a bad feeling about this..."
As they walk in further, Sara notices the shutters are up and the cords have been sliced, cutting off the power to close them. Amber jots WIRES down on a pad marked: 'THINGS TO LOOK FOR.' A body of a Policeman is close by. Josh and Steven hurry forward and check out the situation.
STEVEN: "Sir...can you hear us?"
JOSH: "Man down! Officer needs assistance!"
STEVEN: "Are you ok, sir?"
SARA: "I don't think he's ok.....just a hunch."
STEVEN: "Stand back, Sara. Josh and I are trained for this type of situation."
JOSH: "That's right! Let's do it, buddy!"
STEVEN: "Performing CPR....still no response."
JOSH: "I don't feel a pulse."
AMBER: "That's because his head has been separated from his body, you idiots!!! He's dead!"
JOSH: "I'll have you know that we both took the class, back in England, and passed with flying colors!"
A quick flashback, takes us back to the moment Josh was referring to:
CPR Instructor: "You're doing it wrong. You both fail."
Kenneth quickly crouches and takes the handgun bullets off the body, before anyone else can get them. There's a locked door, to the side, with a Spade marking on it. As they walk forward, and notice a pool of blood, they become frozen in place again. They hear a slow click clacking and they look up and see a horrifying creature coming towards them. They gasp when the creature opens its mouth and snarls, as a long tongue dangles down. It quickly flips over and lands face down, on the floor, breathing eerily.
KENNETH: "What the F*** is that?!"
AMBER: "That's what I saw before! Oh, but I'm just seeing things, right?"
FLIP: "Oh boy."
Everybody starts shooting and the 'Licker' gets pissed. It leaps towards the noise and lands in the middle of the group, as everybody tries to scatter. Flip, Steven and Sara are on the left side of the hall, while Josh and Amber are on the right side. Meanwhile, Kenneth froze up and now the Licker is right beside him.
STEVEN: "Hang on chap. I'll help you out of this mess."
JOSH: "Josh to the rescue!"
Steven and Josh shoot their handguns, just as the Licker leaps again. Kenneth gets shot in the left foot by Steven and in the right ass cheek by Josh.
KENNETH: "AAAAAH! You motherf****** shot me!!!"
Sara and Amber take over, pumping bullets into the creature, each taking turns shooting it, while the other distracts it. Before long, it ends up on its back....dead.
AMBER: "Never let a man do a woman's job."
KENNETH: "Fine... we won't cook or clean any of the rooms. Now help me,damnit!"
Amber walks over and steps on Kenneth's foot.
KENNETH: "OOOOOOWWWWW! What are you DOING?!"
AMBER: ~mockingly~ "Oh...was that your foot? I didn't see it there. I thought it was in your mouth."
KENNETH: "Ok, sorry...just please get me some damn herbs!"
SARA: "There's one in the corner here. Perhaps we should use that one."
KENNETH: "You think?!"
AMBER: "Just hurry up and take it. We still have stuff to look for. RYO said the medallion is on this side."
The other half of Psycho Squad stands in the Main Hall, discussing where to go next. Thorin is still sniffling over the loss of Boobs, RYO and Joe are trying to put the image of those fine globules, out of their minds and concentrate, everyone else is still shaken up, unaware that 95% of their group could've been wiped out, mere moments ago.
MARK: "Damn shame. Losing fine ass boobs like that."
PHYLLIS: "Would you stop with the boobs already!? She would've killed you!"
ROB: "No, she wouldn't have! She just wanted us to touch them...to LOVE the boobs."
PHYLLIS: "Get over it!!"
TIM: "How will we Phyllis? How CAN we?"
SPIKE: "I think some of us are having a harder time than others." ~pointing to Thorin.~
Thorin walks around with a glum face. The adventure was just starting to look up, before Phyllis had to ruin the fun. He notices Luke sitting down and becomes delirious.
Throin hugs Luke's head and starts kissing it, thinking it is a large breast.
LUKE: "What the..?! What are you doing? Get off of me! You're ruining my style!"
ROB: "What style? You have no hair."
LUKE: "I work hard buffing that out to a nice finish. I don't want his hands on my head. Who knows where they've been?"
RYO: "Ok ok, settle down people. We have to plan out our next move. I think we should...."
Suddenly the front doors to the RPD come bursting in! Everyone raises their weapons and jumps into a startled defensive stance. A loud motorcycle roars into the hall and skids to the side. A girl wearing a motorcycle outfit smiles and greets the group, as if on cue.
ROB: "Sufferin Succotash!"
FLIP: "Who's sucking what?"
ELZA: "That's right! Elza Walker is here to help kick some zombie ass!"
Everyone just stands there confused, not knowing what to say. Joe and RYO look at each other and mumble a few words to each other, as Joe shrugs his shoulders. RYO walks over to her with a pity face on.
RYO: "Uh, I'm afraid there's been a mistake, Elza. You're not supposed to be here."
ELZA: "What do you mean? I signed up. They told me I was going to be in the 2nd adventure!"
RYO: "I'm afraid there was a change near the last minute. Didn't you get the memo?"
ELZA: "No! I...I don't understand. I didn't see any memo. Why can't I be here?"
RYO: "I'm afraid you were replaced. They decided to go in another direction."
ELZA: "So you mean.... Leon and I were let go?"
RYO: "Oh no,Leon's here. He's still part of this adventure. Mikami just said you had to go."
ELZA: "What?!? That's BS! They lied to me! I should run Mikami's ass over with this bike!"
RYO: "I'm afraid you're going to have to leave now."
ELZA: "But, I've been practicing. I'm all prepared. I even brought grenades!"
JOE: "Awesome! Aw come on RYO, she can stay, can't she?"
RYO: "No. Only 2 Main Characters allowed. Leon and Claire."
ELZA: "Claire Redfield? Oh, that figures. Chris' little sister getting privileges just because her brother is some STARS hotshot! That's not fair!"
RYO: "I'm sorry Elza, I really am."
JOE: "But dude...she has GRENADES."
RYO: "No Joe, she has to go."
JOE: "Can't we at least keep the grenades?"
RYO: "They were removed from the final version. We're not allowed to. They go too."
Joe curses Mikami some more as Elza cries and turns her bike towards the door. Tim walks out after her, helping her and patting her back.
TIM: "There, there Elza; It's going to be ok. I'll be right back,guys."
RYO: "Hopefully the other group will get back soon. We need the Spade key."
MARK: "That's racist."
RYO: "I'm talking about a suit of cards, you ass!"
Suddenly, the door on the 2nd floor opens and the other half of Psycho squad steps in. They shoot at a few of the Zombies up there and eliminate them. Kenneth helps out with the new Shotgun he found. As they walk halfway around, they see an Emergency Ladder and activate it. Everybody becomes frozen in place, as the ladder slowly lowers to the ground. They all then climb down one at a time and meet up with Joe's group.
Everybody starts talking to each other at once, Amber's group going on about the Licker, Joe's group rambling about Mr T, so that only few words are understandable, between the overlapping. Amidst the chaotic cacophony of words,'Penis' and 'Boobs' are heard in Thorin's voice. Sara also mentions the Lock combination and Shutter situation.
AMBER: "This is ridiculous! We checked everywhere and this stupid Unicorn Medal is nowhere to be found!"
MARK: "Unicorns kick ass!"
RYO: "It's right there." ~points up to the wall to the right of where they came in~ "Clear as day."
AMBER: "Well, how the hell am I supposed to know to check there?!?"
RYO: "Well, go up there and get it. We need it."
FLIP: "No one should go alone, there are still Zombies up there."
SPIKE: "I don't see or hear anything."
RYO: "You won't be able to from down here. They won't appear unless we're on the same level. Ok, a few of you go with her then. Josh and Steven..."
RYO turns and sees Josh on top of Steven, hitting him over the head with a green herb as Steven tries to punch him in the stomach.
RYO: ~Sighs~ "Any other volunteers to go with Amber? How bout you, Sara?"
SARA: "Oh sure...send Sara. You're trying to make me disappear, aren't you? I see right through your scheme. You won't get rid of me that easy! I'm staying right here."
MARK: "I'll go!"
RYO: "Fine, take Flip too, get it and come back here afterwards. We need it to progress further."
After heading up the ladder, Mark and Flip turn and shoot at a Zombie to their right. They all head to their left, until they reach the wall, where the Unicorn Medal is situated.
AMBER: "There it is."
MARK: "Um, I'LL take it! I mean...this way you guys can have free slots open. I'll gladly hold it for you"
AMBER: "Go ahead, take it."
FLIP: "Just hurry up." ~ka-pow ka-pow~ "Zombies keep walking around towards us."
Mark slowly takes the gold medal off the wall. He stares deeply at the Unicorn head on the face of it. His eyes turn sinister, his face twists into a menacing scowl.
MARK: "The Unicorn Medal.... It's so shiny ... and so pretty ....and so Preciousssssssssssssss!!!!"
The team goes back to the Main Hall, reuniting with the rest of the group. The teams decide what to do next and how to proceed. RYO asks for the medal, to use on the statue.
RYO: "Ok, give me the medal, so I can use it to get the key."
FLIP: "Did you see me? How awesome I was? I'm badass!"
RYO: "Yea, you're a regular GI Joe. Now hand over the medal."
FLIP: "Mark has it."
MARK: "So niccccce."
RYO: "Mark...give it here. I have to put it in the statue."
MARK: "What?!?! You'll not take this from me!! It's mine! I found it and I'M going to keep it! Put it in the statue? Give away the precious? You must think me mad!!!"
PHYLLIS: "Just give him the F****** medal, damnit!!! I want to go shoot something already!"
MARK: "Never...foul mouthed elf!"
Mark clutches it against his chest and starts to run around the room, as others give chase. Steven and Josh leap and grab Rob, thinking he's Mark and start to pummel him.
ROB: "Hey! What're you doing? What's the big idea?!"
RYO: "I don't believe this s***!!! This part wasn't supposed to be difficult at all!"
JOE: "Get back here, you!"
As Mark is cut off and Joe dives on him, everyone else holds him down as the Unicorn Medal is pried from his gripping fingers.
MARK: "AAAHHH! Don't hurt us!! Cruel humans...they take the Precious away! Leave us alone!!!!"
The heavy breathing group walks to the statue, inserts the medal and watches as the statue of the lady rumbles and moves forward, dropping a key from the vase. Mark whimpers for his medal, scraping his fingers on the indentation, trying to pry the medal loose with no success.
RYO: "Ok, now that we have the Spade Key, here's the deal. We saw a safe, so I'll take the combination you found. Now... we just have to decide who is going where and who will carry the key first."
AMBER: "Well, we came across a locked door with that symbol on it, so we should take the key."
PHYLLIS: "But we're heading back to where the safe is and it looks like there's more doors with that symbol in our area."
FLIP: "I say we climb back up and check out the 2nd floor again."
KENNETH: "Hey...I have an idea...."
JOE: "Why don't we just all go together as 1 group?"
RYO: "Well, we can cover more ground in less time by splitting up."
KENNETH: "Just let 1 group use the key to open 1 side, then give it to the other group to unlock the other side."
SPIKE: "Hey RYO, since there's only 1 key, we're going to have to take turns. Let me take it with their group first, then I'll bring it back to you and you can use it on the East side."
RYO: "That's a good idea Spike. Let's do that."
KENNETH: "That's what I said!!! Why isn't anyone listening to me?!"
On the other side of the hall.....
ROB: "Hey, aren't we supposed to be looking for help and then go back and help Marvin?"
STEVEN: "You mean that Martian fellow?"
JOSH: "He's here?! Then they really DO exist!"
ROB: "No, dimwits...the cop! We left him bleeding and dying. We were supposed to go back for him."
THORIN: "Aliens do exist....look..... boobies."
Thorin shows them another one of his magazines-'Sex-Files' (The Truth is In and Out and In and Out there). It shows Scully being ravaged by a tentacle machine, while Mulder is being ridden by a 4 breasted white alien.
STEVEN: "Ooooo, that's awesome."
ROB: "4 boobs are better than 2."
SPIKE: "I heard the word Boobies. I can look. The missus said it's ok."
KENNETH: "Can I see?"
JOSH: "That's one ET I wouldn't mind Phoning home to."
STEVEN: "More like ET bone home!"
JOSH: "LOL, well said partner."
THORIN: "Look, Assistant Director Skinflint. LOL"
JOE: ~running over~ "Lemme see that! Look at THAT! Damn she's pretty flexible!"
All of the guys tilt their heads to the side as they look at a wide picture. They keep tilting and turn the magazine around slowly.
RYO: "What on Earth are you guys looking at? We have work to do! This is no time to be.....Whoa!"
THORIN: "That's what I said."
RYO: "Well, no girl on Earth could do that, that's for sure! That alien female is really Out of the World!"
ROB: "I'm so aroused right now.... that didn't even bother me."
Phyllis, seeing the guys crowding up, knows they're up to no good, so she comes storming over.
PHYLLIS: "What are you testosterone filled fools looking at now?!"
THORIN: "No! Phyllis is going to take the fun away again!"
PHYLLIS: "Give me THAT! ~grabs the magazine~ We need to find a way to survive and you idiots are looking at...."
Phyllis glances at it and seems distracted by the material contained within.
PHYLLIS: "Well...uh....I've certainly never seen that side of Mulder before."
KENNETH: "I want to see!"
JOE: "Looks like Mulder's doing some probing of his own."
PHYLLIS: "Mmm-hmmm. I wouldn't mind giving that machine Scully is in, a run for its money too."
KENNETH: "What machine? Where? Come on, this is BS! Show me!"
AMBER: "We do have to get out of here, you know. This place is filled with monsters in case you've forgotten."
Everybody grumbles but reluctantly breaks up the crowd. Thorin tucks the mag away into his Files section of his inventory. As the group checks their weapons and prepares to leave, Tim comes walking back in, singing a song.
TIM: "Get UP! Get on up! Stay on the scene, get on up, like a LOVE machine, get on up. Ow! Hit me now!" ~does a spin~
LUKE: "Where's Elza? Is she all right?"
TIM: "Oh she's fine. I gave her a good shag. Lucky girl"
LUKE: "What?! Are you insane? How could you take advantage of someone in that state?"
TIM: "She didn't seem to object."
LUKE: "The girl was upset and crying."
TIM: "Well, she wasn't upset after I got through with her. The only thing she was crying, is; 'Don't stop!'."
LUKE: "How did she all of a sudden want to 'shag'? You took advantage of her!"
TIM: "I didn't. I gave her something to help calm her down. I call them, the 'Sexual Healing' pills."
LUKE: "Aren't they called 'date rape' drugs?"
TIM: "Tomato, Tomahto."
LUKE: "I just can't believe you used sex as a solution to her problem."
TIM: "Are you serious? I'm the Hardcore Machine of Love, baby. How could I not? I'm grade A prime rib. I could tell the poor girl was starving. I had to give her a taste."
LUKE: "I think I'm going to be sick."
RYO: "Ok, Some of you will take the West side, we're going to head back East and see what else we can find. Let's see if we can locate some of the items we need. Let's get ready to move out."
RYO, Joe, Phyllis, Kenneth, Luke, Rob, Thorin and Josh head to the East,while the rest check out the west. In the corner, a whimpering Mark mourns his loss. He begins to stare angrily at the others. He will get back the Precious...if it's the last thing he'll ever do!
Is it true? Do your eyes deceive you?!
Wait no longer.It is finally here. And I don't wanna hear any bitchin. This is long enough. Damn thing was glitchin on me
'Little Women and The Door to Nowhere'
RYO and his group go up the stairs and head down the hall,passing by a door that won't open. They reach a male statue in the middle of the room, with his right arm raised. There are busts of 2 other statues on either side of it, facing the walls. RYO looks at everything, quite puzzled, as the jewel he expected to find, is missing from the statue's hand.
JOSH: "There's that door again. I wonder how we'll be able to open it?"
STEVEN: "It's probably a trick."
RYO: "There's no trick. That door is useless. It never opens. Steven...Amber said you guys found a Red Jewel, correct?"
STEVEN: "Why, yes we did,RYO. I have it right here. Why do you ask?"
RYO: "Because the statues haven't been moved. How the hell did you get the jewel?"
JOSH: "Oh, that's a funny story. Well...we got into a bit of a discussion. I thought, since his arm was raised, maybe we should try giving his underarm a tickle....then he might loosen his grip on it."
STEVEN: "I know what you're thinking RYO...ridiculous. I thought the same thing."
JOSH: "Who are you scoffing at? You went looking for a stepladder to push over and climb and get it."
STEVEN: "Well, these sorts of adventures usually call for those things."
RYO: "Get to the point."
JOSH: "Well, then Amber tells us,"I don't know how you both function with your heads up your arses."
STEVEN: "That's not what she said."
JOSH: "Is too!"
STEVEN: "No it isn't! 'Arse' is our word. Amber's a yank. Why would she use the word 'Arse?' She said our heads are up our 'asses'. Pay attention next time."
JOSH: "I don't recall that. I think she said 'Arses.' "
STEVEN: "Well thinking is a tedious task for you."
RYO: "HOW...did you get the jewel?"
STEVEN: "I still say there should've been a stepladder nearby. That would've worked."
JOSH: "Someone needs a stepladder to climb up and put a brain in that melon of yours,you call a head!"
STEVEN: "At least I didn't display a sick tickle fetish on a solid manly figure."
JOSH: "How bout I tickle your arse with my gun? Tearing you a new one. That'd be a real laugh!"
RYO: "Will you two SHUT THE F*** UP AND TELL ME HOW YOU GOT THE DAMN JEWEL?!"
JOSH: "Whoa! Easy there, sunshine."
STEVEN: "I'll say! Who pissed in your cereal this morning?"
RYO: "If I have to ask one more time..." ~pulls out his blade~
JOSH: ~nervously~ "Uhhh, well....after Amber insulted me, I was upset. I went over to that wall, stomping my feet the whole way and leaned against it. It made a noise and the floor sunk down."
STEVEN: "And I was annoyed because there was no ladder, so I went and leaned over on that wall and kicked the floor really hard. Then the floor plate went down and poof! The jewel magically just dropped out."
JOSH: "We're good."
STEVEN: "Yes we are, Josh. They're lucky to have us."
RYO: "No you're not good. You did it wrong. That's not how it's supposed to happen."
STEVEN: "How what's supposed to happen? We got the jewel, that's all that matters."
RYO: "NO! It isn't! Now go move those statues to their proper places, and this time, it's going to be done the right way!"
JOSH: "What are you on? I'm not pissin about here again, wasting time on what's done already."
RYO: "MOVE THE DAMN STATUES!!! NOW!!!!"
RYO takes the jewel and wedges it back into the male statue's hand, as Josh and Steven sigh and each take a statue and push it to the appropriate spot. A noise is heard, the statue's hand opens and the Red Jewel is released.
RYO: "Great work...we found a Red Jewel." ~jots in his file book~
JOSH: "You need help."
Let's switch over to see what the others have been up to, waiting in the meeting room. Sara, Thorin, Rob, Mark, and Flip,have been waiting patiently for the others to return. Sara stepped out earlier, to see when they would be returning. She came back wearing a cowgirl outfit, not that any of them noticed, and said the only news she has, was that the groups were continuing to investigate and for them to stay put. Everyone sits around bored,except for Mark who is playing with his medal. Sara sits backwards on a chair and sighs as she kicks a leg slowly and lazily, waiting for something to happen.
SARA: ~yawns~ "I'm bored."
THORIN: "That's because waiting around is boring."
ROB: "Tell us something we don't know."
FLIP: "What's taking them so long?"
SARA: "Who knows? They said they were going to check out a few more rooms."
ROB: "Well, knowing my compadres, they should handle that, no problem."
SARA: "I want to do something. Let's do something."
ROB: "Now wait a minute,RYO said to wait in here."
SARA: "So? RYO Schmyo. He didn't say what we had to do...while we wait."
Rob's and Thorin's brows raise a bit, hearing Sara say this.
ROB: "Like what?"
SARA: "I have an idea. Let's do something exciting and stimulating!"
Now Rob and Thorin look at each other all wide eyed and perk up in their chairs. Flip comes flying over from the other side of the room. Clearly all attention was now on Sara and her.....idea.
FLIP: "Did you say stimulating?"
SARA: "Sure! Our minds work better when we're stimulated? Don't you agree?"
THORIN: "F*** yea!"
FLIP: "Couldn't agree more!"
SARA: "Well then.....let's do it."
THORIN: "I'm ready for action!"
ROB: "What for? She was clearly talking to me."
FLIP: "In your dreams, Rob. She means me!"
THORIN: "Sorry to burst your bubbles, but she was clearly looking at me when she said it."
SARA: "Now, now....no fighting."
FLIP: "But wait...which one of us do you pick to have your fun with?"
SARA: "There's no need to discriminate....all of you can join in!"
Rob falls out of his chair with a loud crash.
ROB: "ALL of us?!"
SARA: "Sure. I'll be right back."
MARK: "Oh, we're going to have fun, my precious. Pretty pretty medal. Nice horsie medal."
ROB: "Oh boy, this is gonna be a real humdinger! HooHoo!!!"
THORIN: "You want the top? Ok, I'll be the stranger who sneaks in the back door."
MARK: "But we must be careful precious. Unicorn has a pointy horn. Verrry dangeroussss. We must be careful when we pets it. Wouldn't wants it to hurt us. Verrrry sharp."
FLIP: "Well, I'm making sure I go before this weirdo."
MARK: "But it's ok if the horn should hit others, precious. Yessssss... Unicorn will hits him for us. Crush him and grind him and turn Marksie's enemies to mush!"
After all 3 guys move away from Mark,they start drooling and groaning with anticipation. They line up next to each other, rubbing their hands laughing giddily. Thorin removes his clothes and waits with a smile. Sara returns with a VHS tape and puts it in a VCR.
THORIN: "What's that? A Porno? Cool."
SARA: ~laughs~ "Thorin, It's 'Little Women,' a really good story."
ROB: "Jailbait flick? Ooooo, Sara you naughty girl."
FLIP: "We shouldn't watch stuff like that ..... Ah screw it, stick it in!!!"
THORIN: "I'll stick it in."
SARA: "No, it's....where are your clothes? Are you really that hot? Doesn't feel hot to me. Anyway,this was something I picked up at that Hel-Mart place. I think you're going to enjoy this. One of my favorites."
After a while later, we see the guys with their heads leaning on their hand, visibly annoyed and disappointed. This is clearly not what they expected. The movie plays on, much to Sara's excitement.
SARA: ~clapping~ "Isn't this great,guys? Haha. We're doing something we're not supposed to do."
ROB: "Oh yea...you're a real wild girl,Sara."
THORIN: "Where the ho's at?!"
FLIP: "I can't contain my excitement." /sarcasm
SARA: "I know, me neither! I love this story. Just watch, it gets better."
MARK: "They wants us to watch stupid girlies walking and talking. It should haves a Unicorn come in and gash winona. Then we would likes it!"
Meanwhile, downstairs Joe and his group went through an Evidence room and then ended up back in the room they found Marvin in. As they go back in however, they notice he isn't in the same spot where they left him. There was a blood trail that led into the office. As they go in, they hear him groan, and his skin discolors. The spooky music starts and he gets up, walking towards them with his arms out in front of him.
LUKE: "Uh, Marvin....are you all right?"
PHYLLIS: "Of course he is. Marvin's a trooper, right?"
Phyllis slaps Marvin hard in the back, causing him to topple over to the ground and groan.
AMBER: "He looks really tired. Why is that eerie music playing? It's only Marvin."
LUKE: "Perhaps it means we're in danger."
JOE: "Nah. Maybe he just fainted, cuz he was happy to see us. Probably thought we forgot about him. You're fine dude, relax. We're here to help."
Marvin groans and gets up, putting his arms outwards.
SPIKE: "He looks like he's feeling blue."
PHYLLIS: "Heyyyy, maybe that's because HE ate all the f****** cake!!! He was hiding it all this time! Did you eat the cake you sonuva..."
Phyllis smacks Marvin hard across the face ,which cause him to groan louder and fall to the ground,getting up seconds later.
TIM: "Ah, he just needs a hug. There there, Marvin. ~hugs him~ We appreciate you,mate. You're doing a great job."
Marvin squirms and tries to get to Tim's neck.
TIM: "Now hold on! I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I don't swing that way. I'm like Secret deodorant...strong enough for a man...but made for a woman."
TIM: "I know you're disappointed. Who wouldn't want this fine piece of English ass? But I'm afraid you'll just have to look elsewhere. I'm strictly for the ladies."
PHYLLIS: "Look out Tim...I think he turned into a Zombie!"
TIM: "That's impossible. No one stupidly changes that fast. This goes against the general process."
PHYLLIS: "Argue semantics later. Right now you might wanna duck."
The eerie music continues to play, as the group unload half their ammo into poor Marvin. His arms and legs get blown off and Phyllis shotguns his head into pulp.
LUKE: "Holy crap! Do you people ever do ANYthing in a normal manner?"
SPIKE: "Ah well,Rest in Peace Marvin.Well...make that pieces."
PHYLLIS: "Hey!Bad enough we get that from RYO,don't you start!"
Joe suddenly twitches a bit, smacking his lips and moving his tongue around.
PHYLLIS: "What's that about? Are you ok?"
JOE: "Yea, I'm fine. Just a weird feeling came over me, all of a sudden. Let's check around the room and see what we can use."
AMBER: "Hmm, that's odd...It says on the blackboard there's a 'Michael Festival' coming up."
CHOSEN: ~out of nowhere~ "Why...that's the best kind of Festival there is!"
JOE: "Ahhh! Dude...wtf?!"
AMBER: "Yea...what Joe said. Aren't you supposed to be like....dead?"
CHOSEN: "Oh I wouldn't necessarily say that...there's been rumors on the IGN RE Board that I'm still alive."
PHYLLIS: "That damn finalhope kid and his rumor threads."
JOE: "We must get going. We really have to continue on with the adventure."
AMBER: "Yea, but I'm glad you're still around, Michael."
Amber hugs Chosen goodbye but yells as she breaks the hug.
AMBER: "Ow! My hair!"
CHOSEN: "Oh, I'm sorry! It must have gotten caught in my watchband."
AMBER: "Oh...ok. Be more careful next time. Well, see ya." ~rubbing her head~
CHOSEN: ~mumbling to himself as he rubs the hairs on his face~ "Oh you WILL be seeing me soon, Amber. Sooner than you think..."
The scene changes to show Chosen's basement dimly lit by candlelight. Pictures of Amber cover the walls and various items of hers litter the room. Chosen places the lock of hair in a small box atop of a table. He steps back and raises his hands under an archway which reads: 'The Shrine of Amber.'
CHOSEN: "Soon you will be mine....Forever."
As we return from that demented scene, the group gathers some herbs, ammo and unlocks the door leading back to the main hall. Amber and Phyllis agree that they should go upstairs to see how the other group is doing. As they head back and go up the stairs, RYO is seen screaming at Steven and Josh, as Kenneth stands around, listening to his music player, doing nothing.
JOSH: "I still say we need to get through this door. It's locked for a reason."
RYO: "Yes...and the reason is, IT'S NOT F****** IMPORTANT!!!"
STEVEN: "Then why put the door there in the first place?"
RYO grabs his face and runs his hand forcibly over it,stretching his mouth open with a loud exclaiming sigh, trying to keep from totally losing it.
RYO: "Listen you two....I'm the man here. Just listen to me and we'll make it through this adventure smooth and fast, and get rewarded with some goodies at the end."
JOSH: "The man,eh? Says who?"
RYO: "Says the people that gave me this position."
STEVEN: "Well, I don't see why you have to be the "man." I think one of us can do the job as well."
RYO: "You two?! Yea right. I've got the 'TIMELINE,' Bitch! Either of you ever create something that exquisite? You're lucky you can tell time, never mind come up with a complex chronological order of dates!"
AMBER: "Uh...everything ok here?"
RYO: "Peachy. What'd you guys do?"
PHYLLIS: "Main hall door's unlocked. Marvin's dead. Got a few green herbs."
RYO: "Bummer. Well, we found a Red Jewel."
AMBER: "But we already..."
JOSH: "Nix-ay on telling RYO the truth-ay."
STEVEN: "You're a Dum-ay."
JOSH: "That's pig latin!"
STEVEN: "That's a pig's arse! You can mess up ANY language!"
JOSH: "Ah shove it, you retrad!"
KENNETH: "Got to love the irony."
JOE: "Have you guys been here arguing all this time?"
RYO: "Next time....YOU take these imbeciles."
AMBER: "Come on...the STARS office is this way."
As the gang enters the Stars office, who should be standing there but Leon, reading a book. They all seem happy to finally see him, glad he's still alive.
JOE: "Where the f*** you been?!"
PHYLLIS: "And what the hell happened to the cake?!"
RYO: "Will you stop it with the cake? It's gone,Phyllis! Let it go."
LEON: "Good to see your still among the living. The party got canceled obviously. But it's nice to meet you all. I'm rookie officer... Leon S Kennedy."
PHYLLIS: "Who does that?"
AMBER: "Says their name with their middle initial like that.That's idiotic."
LEON: "Well,it just makes me sound professional and more important."
JOSH: "It makes you sound like a bloody fool!"
RYO: "Nevermind that.It's good to see you,Leon. We just need to do a quick search and we'll be on our way."
The door opens and Claire enters.
LEON: "Good to see your still among the living."
KENNETH: "Get a new line already."
LEON: "It looks like we’re not going to find your brother here after all." ~hands Claire 'Chris' Diary.'~
I talked to the chief today once again, but he refused to listen to me. What an asshole! I know for certain that Umbrella conducted T-virus research in that mansion. Anyone infected turns into a zombie. But the entire mansion went up in the explosion; along with any incriminating evidence. Since Umbrella employs so many people in town, no one is willing to talk about the incident. It looks like I'm running out of options.
We've been receiving a lot of local reports about the strange creatures appearing at random throughout the city. This must be the work of Umbrella. Either that or the StarTrek convention's in town.
Thorin has been running nude through the streets again. We've received numerous complaints from neighbors that he's been streaking through their yards. I still can't fathom why they cloned this guy.
With the help of Jill and Barry, I finally obtained information vital to this case. Umbrella has begun research on the new G-virus, a variation of the original T-virus. Haven't they done enough damage already? I've thought it over, and I have decided to fly to the main Umbrella HQ in Europe. Unfortunately...Barry found out and now he's tagging along. He's a real pain in the ass. I won't tell my sister about this trip because doing so will put her in danger. Plus I'm sparing her from Barry's bs. Please forgive me Claire. Though you should thank me.
STEVEN: ~laughs~ "Your brother wrote a diary? What a ponce."
CLAIRE: "Shut up! I can't believe he's in Europe! I come all this way, go through all this and for nothing!"
LEON: "He said he had to leave, he had no choice."
CLAIRE: "That's a bunch of crap! And what are you doing reading my brother's book for anyway?"
LEON: "Well, I...."
CLAIRE: "Hands off, you nosy bastard!"
SPIKE: "Maybe he was hoping he'd be mentioned in there."
LUKE: "Sounds like someone's got a crush."
LEON: "I do not! I'm not gay."
KENNETH: "Says the gay cop."
LEON: "You people are driving me crazy. Look...there’s no reason for us to stay any longer than we have to. Let’s split up look for any survivors and GET out of here. The sooner the better."
LEON: "One last thing, here’s a few radios. Take it. That way we can keep in touch if anything happens."
TIM: "Oh I'll bet you want to touch. Get a good feel of my Barnacle Bills, eh? Not gonna happen."
LEON: ~sighs~ "I'm leaving now."
Claire runs out first, to avoid anymore uncomfortable confrontations with the Psychos. Leon follows soon after. A search of the room and the STARS team members' desks reveal First Aid sprays, a Grenade Launcher. Amber helps herself to the Launcher, loading them with the Flame Rounds she found earlier. Kenneth runs by Barry's desk and grabs the gun there before anyone else can get it.
KENNETH: "A new gun....awesome!"
RYO: "Yea...too bad that's just a Replica."
KENNETH: "What? S***....damn you,Barry!"
They look around and find Chris' sharpshooter award and a picture of the STARS teams on the wall.
PHYLLIS: "Hey! How come there isn't a picture of US on the wall?"
AMBER: "Yea! We're too good to be set aside."
JOE: "We F***** awesome!"
TIM: "Right on, bro!"
PHYLLIS: "Well, I'm going to fix that. I have a camera. I'll set it to automatic and then we'll all take our own picture! Gather round everyone."
LUKE: "Well, technically I'm not a member of the team, so I suppose I'll sit out."
JOE: "Nonsense. You've been a good help to us. You're an honorary member. Get in the shot."
Everybody gets into a bunch, for the group pic. Everything starts out fine, but then there's pushing and shoving, from those wanting to be in the front row for the pic. Phyllis sets the camera and runs back.
PHYLLIS: "Ok, get ready everyone, the timer is counting down."
STEVEN: "You're on my foot, get off, you stupid oaf!"
JOSH: "Well move those damn feet to the other side, sasquatch!"
LUKE: "Wait a minute...some of the squad members are downstairs."
KENNETH: "Who cares. The important members are here. Good enough."
As the camera snaps, the picture taken shows Joe kissing his machinegun. A smiling Phyllis leaning on him, posed with her shotgun on her hip. A not smiling Amber , holding her grenade launcher. A sinister smiling Tim, motioning his hands grabbing at Amber's breasts. Luke looking serious, with his silver baller 45's crisscrossed in front of his chest. RYO flexing his arms and showcasing his sword stance. Spike making a hearty laugh, because he just farted. Kenneth making a painful wincing face, because he's standing next to Spike. And Steven and Josh with open mouth gasps, as they strangle each other, with tightly fitted hands around each other's throat.
PHYLLIS: "Huh,the film is finished already? I could've sworn I had a lot more exposures to go. Well, I'll just take this down to the dark room we saw earlier and develop it."
RYO: "Before we go any further, I think it's best we head back and meet up with the rest of the group."
The group heads out of the room and back towards the stairs. They all go down the small set of stairs with no problem,but just as they are about to head down the big flight of stairs, Amber trips Kenneth, who makes a shocked face and freezes as everything fades to black, into the loading screen. Like always, everyone sees a flight of stairs, slowly moving down one step at a time,except this time they also see Kenneth's body tumbling down the steps. Phyllis laughs during the walk down.
LUKE: "I don't think I'll ever get used to those. I go through stairs without any screens in my adventures. By the way, why were you laughing, Phyllis?"
PHYLLIS: "Oh,just Kenneth. He reminds me of a Slinky."
LUKE: "How's that?"
PHYLLIS: "Not really good for anything...but you can't help but laugh seeing one tumble down the stairs."
KENNETH: "What the hell did you do that for?!"
AMBER: "You were there." ~shrugs~
The group makes it back to the Meeting room without incident. Once they get inside however, leaves them confused as to what the hell was going on. The men were bawling. Thorin and Rob were hugging each other, Mark sat in the corner,cradling his medal and Flip was clenching his fists,crying his eyes out and shouting.
RYO: "What the hell now?"
JOE: "What happened? What's wrong with you guys?"
SARA: "They're moved by the touching story of the movie we watched."
FLIP: "Why? WHY?! Why Beth? Why anybody?!?!"
LUKE: "This is not very professional."
MARK: "Stupid scarlet fever. We hates it!"
THORIN: "Poor Jo, how tough it must have been for her."
ROB: "I know. ~sniff~ and the rest of the girls...how will they cope?"
PHYLLIS: "Alright already, turn off the waterworks!"
AMBER: "Bunch of wimps."
TIM: "How are we going to snap them out of it? We've got a job to do!"
SPIKE: "Well, they can start by getting rid of their manginas and stop tucking their manhood between their legs. You're men! Start acting like it!"
RYO: "Ok look...let's chill out here a bit. We'll go over our items, look at the map and check over this area for items of use. We still have a long way to go and we'll need everyone to be sharp!"
ROB: "Joe? ~wiping his eyes~ Don't ever leave us alone with her again!" ~blows his nose with a loud honk~
FLIP: "She's like the Lifetime Channel personified!"
The groups checked around the rooms. There were many chairs and papers around. A blackboard, a podium and an archway into another room, in the back. While checking a corner, Amber notices something.
AMBER: "It says, 'Looks like there was a recent accident here'."
THORIN: "Oh yea....that. Sorry guys, that was me. I had to pee really bad so...."
AMBER: "UGH! Thorin, you're gross!"
THORIN: "What? There's no bathrooms in this damn place!"
RYO: "That's not the kind of accident that line was meant for."
JOE: "Hey RYO, check it out. There's a fireplace back here."
RYO and the others follows Joe and go in the back to a small room. There are suits of armor in the room, a fireplace and above the fireplace there is a painting of a man being tortured and suffering.
RYO: "Oh, I know this trick. Amber, use your lighter to start a fire."
Amber takes out her lighter and lights the paper and kindle in the fireplace. Soon a large fire starts and everyone freezes, as they watch the front of the painting burn away, to reveal a 2nd Red Jewel.
AMBER: "Another gem. Nice job, boss."
LUKE: "Sneaky little bastards, aren't they?"
RYO: "There's always a lighter trick. Alright everybody, let's get ready to move out."
JOE: "Yea, if we hurry, we can catch up to that hottie, Claire."
Joe leaves the room with RYO, as Steven sits down in a chair, talking to Josh, Thorin, Tim, Rob, Spike, Luke and Flip.
STEVEN: ~scoffs~ "Well, I certainly don't see what the big deal about 'Claire' is. She's not hot. Seems like more of a goofy tomboy to me. Why, I'll say she's downright useless to this mediocre adventure."
ROB: "Oh boy." ~covers his face and looks away~
JOSH: ~motioning his hand across his throat~ "Nix-ay Steven!"
SPIKE: "Ah, that was a bad move, mate."
STEVEN: ~chuckling a bit~ "What? What are you guys getting all flustered about?"
The camera pans back a bit, to show the cause of the fluster. Behind Steven's chair and unbeknownst to him, Joe had come back into the room, to retrieve the Red Jewel. His fists were clenched and his face displays an angry scowl. The camera then switches to the other room, to where RYO and the rest are.
AMBER: "Where are we going now?"
RYO: "Well, we have a few areas to go to now. Aquiring some keys and some other items. We need to bring both gems upstairs. We'll leave as soon as Joe brings the other gem."
KENNETH: "What's taking him so long?"
RYO: "I don't know. It is taking too long. Let me see what..."
Suddenly there is a scream and loud clamoring going on, coming from the back room. RYO looks at Kenneth and then towards the noise in the back, quickly moving towards the source of disturbance. As he enters the room, he sees Joe standing behind Steven, clamping his head with fireplace tongs. He is steadily pushing him towards the fire in the fireplace, as Steven frantically flails his arms about, trying to get free. Rob and Luke plead with Joe to let Steven go.
JOE: "Goofy? Useless?! How dare you insult Claire Redfield?!"
Unfortunately, Steven gets very little help from any of the members around him. Spike is laughing, Thorin has taken a marshmellow and put it on a stick. Josh is holding utensils and salivating.
LUKE: "Joe! Snap out of it! You don't want to do this, he's your teammate!"
JOE: "Anyone want some Roasted Steven?"
JOSH: "I'm starving!" ~holds utensils tightly~
FLIP: "Roasted Steven. mmmmm" ~puts on a bib~
TIM: "Sucks to be you, dude. Save me a slice."
ROB: "He didn't mean it. I'm sure he's sorry."
STEVEN: "Ok, ok!!! Sorry, sorry!!! Claire is great! This adventure is a blast! Please let me go!"
RYO: "Joe....stop it! Let him go, he's one of us. Besides we have to leave now."
JOE: "But he insulted Claire."
RYO: "Why that sonuva...."
RYO takes out his sword and goes to chop Steven, as the others quickly leap in and hold RYO back, trying to calm him down and make him put the blade away.
LUKE: "Oh and YOU'RE the normal one,huh?! I need to get back to my normal life of assassination."
The commotion and bickering continues, as more danger awaits our heroes... and waits... and waits....